Sorel Towers
by PerfectPegZero
Summary: Raphael and Ivy have gotten married and opened a hotel. Cassandra and Link work for this poorly run hotel and everything you can think of that can go wrong at this hotel probably will...
1. The Characters

Characters:

Raphael Sorel – Raphael owns Sorel Towers, a hotel in Normandy, France. He married Ivy but they don't exactly get along so well and he really needs to work on his management skills.

Ivy Valentine – The real brains behind the hotel but she's somewhat lazy and likes to go to her book club or visit her friend Aurelia. She likes to use the Alraune to punish Raphael when he's being bad and is very demanding.

Cassandra Alexandra – Works at Sorel Towers, she pretty much runs the place and runs the errands for Ivy and Raphael. Recently, she converted to Greek Orthodoxy along with all the other Greek characters.

Link – Works at Sorel Towers, he really can't speak any English, but Raphael tries to teach him but it usually doesn't work. He tries very hard to learn and work hard but generally botches it up.


	2. Fanatical Reservations

"So you've reserved the 17th and 18th? Fine. Oh no, it's no problem; it's all part of my plan! Good day", Raphael said into the telephone and hung it up. His wife, Ivy Valentine walked out of the office in her 2P SCII outfit with a clipboard.

"Raphael, who was that calling at the phone?" she asked. He tried to walk away, as he didn't want to tell her who was reserving the room.

"BEEEEEE STILL!" she commanded, took the Alraune and pulled him back toward her. He really didn't like it when she did that…

"Nothing my dear, just some ordinary guests", he said. Suddenly, the Alraune swerved toward the phone and encircled it, feeding Ivy the necessary information to make Raphael's life harder.

"Raphael, I told you, you cannot bring Soul Edge fanatics to our hotel! You know why I prohibit it!" Ivy scoffed at him.

"Come off it my dear dominatrix, they need lodgings for the night and I thought I'd accommodate them with some!" Raphael told her.

"My sword tells me they were in another country, please Raphael, call them back and say they should go somewhere else", Ivy said.

"You're trusting the Alraune? It's a rose for God's sake!" Raphael said.

"It's also the best weapon I have ever!" Ivy retorted. "Now don't make me go Primal Dominance on you!"

"No Ivy, they're paying us…"

"RAPHAEL!"

"All right my dear, I'll get to it straightaway", he said and she walked outside. "I'm going to Aurelia's house for our book club, now you better get that done before I get back. Oh, and have Cassandra go out to market and get some lobster for Friday."

"Yes my little hive of wasps", he said sweetly as Ivy rolled her eyes and stepped out of the house.

"You're revolting," she muttered to herself as she walked to her car, a sleek silver Aston Martin V8 Vantage and drove toward Aurelia's house for her book club.

Raphael walked into the dining room to find the guests, some regular like Seong Han-myong and some other guests like Miss Chai Xianghua.

"Oooooooh! Excuse me!" she said, in an irritatingly high-pitched voice. Raphael ignored her, hoping she'd leave him alone.

"EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE MEEEEEEEE, SIIIIIIIIR?" she shrieked at him. Raphael tensed up and turned toward her.

"Yes?" he asked, tiredly as she walked up to her and her boyfriend, Kilik.

"Alright, me and Kilik want to go somewhere CRAAAAAAAAAAAZY around here! Do you know where to go for a CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY GOOD TIME?" Xianghua asked.

"Here's the address to the nearest insane asylum", Raphael said, writing on a sketchpad. "JUST KIDDING!"

"That's my line!" Xianghua yelled. "JUST KIDDING!"

Raphael puked.

"I…" Kilik started.

"STOP! You're voice makes me want to kill myself!" Raphael said, clutching his ears.

A/N: Kilik's voice in SC2 absolutely drives me up the wall with how annoying it is! It makes me angry at how anime-esque and stereotypical Asian sounding it is that I wish he would just be like Charade and never utter a WORD! Back to the story…

Suddenly, Ivy came back into the room with three brochures in her hand and walked up to the infuriatingly annoying couple.

"You can try Setsuka's Giant Umbrella Cocktail Bar!" Ivy said, handing over a brochure of the shop with Setsuka on the cover giving a thumbs up next to a large cocktail drink with one of her umbrella-swords inside.

"Thank you Mrs. Sorel", Xianghua said, sticking her tongue out at Raphael.

"It's Miss Valentine actually, I refused to take his last name", Ivy said sweetly.

"Can you tell us the best way to get there?" Xianghua asked cheerily.

"Take 21st Street until you get to Voldo's Voice Lessons and then turn right, you can't miss it!" Ivy said.

"Is there no other way?" Kilik asked. "Because…"

"AAAAAAAAAAGH! STOP TALKING!" Ivy said, her ears bleeding like a hemophiliac's. Kilik and Xianghua quickly left for their car to escape the couple and author that despised Kilik's voice.

"Have you talked to Cassandra yet Raphael?" Ivy asked, in her usual uptight manner.

"No I haven't yet dear, no", Raphael said, walking toward the kitchen. "I was waylaid by that irritating whelp an her annoying-voiced boyfriend."

"You just have no clue do you Raphael? My father always wondered how on earth we ever got together! Black magic, he says", Ivy said.

"Well he'd know wouldn't he… he's been to hell and back, literally", Raphael said, matter-of-factly.

"Just talk to Cassandra, Raphael", Ivy said and stomped out of the dining room and behind the office. Raphael rushed to the kitchen to find Yunsung putting the pots and pans in the sink while Cassandra was chatting him up.

"And I told him that I wouldn't be able to help him this Friday for the dinner", Cassandra said, whining.

"Well, you have other commitments. Link could easily help", Yunsung replied.

"Exactly, but he can't get over the fact that my sister needs me to watch her kids because that creepy girl always wants to play with them, so I have to defend them", Cassandra added.

"Family first!" Yunsung replied.

"Err… Cassandra?" Raphael asked. Cassandra, flustered, turned around to face her employer.

"Oh! Mr. Sorel, I… um… did you need something?" Cassandra asked nervously.

"Don't play dumb Cassandra", Raphael said dryly. "Ivy wants me to tell you to go pick up some lobster for Friday when the Germans come."

"Okay, I'll do it tomorrow", Cassandra replied and returned to talking to Yunsung.

"No Cassandra, Ivy's adamant about it today. Ever since she published that stupid book, she's gotten all high and mighty", Raphael said, urgently.

"Raphael, tonight I have to watch my sister's children, I can't go to the market today", Cassandra said, tiredly.

"I'll give you a raise", Raphael said.

"Off I go", Cassandra, said. "Lock up the kitchen please, Yunsung."

"Will do!" Yunsung said, grabbing a towel off the rack and wiping one of the pots down.

Cassandra exited the kitchen and ran into Ivy on the way toward the coat-rack.

"Hello Ms. Valentine", Cassandra said, taking her coat off the rack.

"Good afternoon Cassandra, did Raphael tell you about the lobster?" she asked.

"Yes he did, I'm running off to market right now", Cassandra said, putting on her coat and her bronzed helmet with the feathers.

"Oh dear, market's too far away, why don't you take the Aston?" Ivy said and tossed her the keys.

"Ms. Valentine, thank you so much!" Cassandra said, beaming.

"It's no problem, just bring it back in one piece. Be careful though, the brakes haven't been functioning properly because Raphael won't take it to the auto repair shop", Ivy said.

"I will!" Cassandra said and ran out to the car. Raphael came back out of the dining room, polishing Flambert and walked toward the bar.

"Raphael", Ivy called.

"Yes dear?" Raphael asked.

"What's this?" Ivy asked, handing over the local paper.

"It's an advertisement Ivy", Raphael said.

"It says, "If you are hunting Soul Edge, please stay at our hotel. For reservations contact Raphael and Ivy Sorel at 555-SOUL" I've told you time and time again not to do this", Ivy said, throwing the paper in the trash.

"I'm opening us up to a new market, my sweet", Raphael said.

"You know how I feel about Soul Edge fanatics", Ivy said, irritably.

"Your father is a Soul Edge fanatic, do you not like him?" Raphael asked.

"He hasn't hunted for Soul Edge in years, unlike you who plots about it every day", Ivy said.

"Oh don't be ridiculous", Raphael said.

"Go see Yoshimitsu at the newspaper's office and retract the ad", Ivy commanded.

"Fine, this means you have to see to the guests at dinner", Raphael said.

"You'll be back by then."

Raphael walked out to the parking lot to find the car missing.

"Where's the car?" Raphael asked.

"I lent it to Cassandra to go to the market to buy the lobster."

"What? The market's not that far, now we've lost good money on our petrol!" Raphael exclaimed.

"Don't be so frugal, Raphael", Ivy said, tiredly. "You can walk to the news office, it's good exercise."

"It's in the next town!" Raphael complained.

"Fine, take my bicycle", Ivy said.

"I can't ride that thing! You've possessed it with your evil magic! The last time we went on a bike ride, you left and it tried to run me over!" Raphael argued.

"At least it's a smart bike…"

"Fine, you win dear, I'll walk to town but if I'm late and the guests are complaining it's your own fault!"

"Raphael, if you keep arguing with me you won't be back for dinner."

Raphael grunted and walked out of the building and toward the newspaper office.

With Cassandra…

Cassandra's cell phone rang the theme tune to "Zorba the Greek" and she picked it up. It was her sister.

"Hello?" Cassandra asked.

"Hey sis, it's Sophitia. Rothion went out of town for business, do you want to go to the Holy Unction service with me next Wednesday?"

"What church?" Cassandra asked.

"Saint Demetria's."

"Ugh… I can't go there! That's where Astaroth is the priest and he's so obnoxious!" Cassandra said.

"Church is church Cassandra, plus the next church is far away."

"I like that church!"

"Then you have to drive", Sophitia said.

"I don't think I can go anyway Sophie, Mr. Sorel is having one of his special events at Sorel Towers that day and he's already reluctantly agreed to let me sit the kids on Friday", Cassandra explained.

"Okay, I'll find someone else to go with. Maybe Aeon will take me, but you know how he is with favors", Sophitia said.

"Maybe I can work it out, I'll talk to Ivy about it", Cassandra said. "Well, I'll see you later sis. Yiassou."

"Yiassou", Sophitia said and hung the phone up.

"Oh darn, another red light", Cassandra said, angrily. She slammed her foot on the brakes but the car kept going, in fact it went faster.

"What is going on?" Cassandra yelled, slamming her foot on the brakes. The car kept going and it skidded off the gate to a lower area of the town.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Cassandra yelled and crashed through a sweets shop, covering the windshield in chocolate. Then she swerved the car's steering wheel in a certain direction.

Raphael saw the car in the distance.

"Is that our Aston Martin?" Raphael asked, peering toward the road. "IT IS!" He tried to run but the Aston nicked him and sent him flying toward a store window. Cassandra slammed off another gate and was heading toward someone's house.

The car crashed through the roof of the house and through two stories until it landed nose-first on the ground floor.

"Who are you?" someone asked.

_**A/N: Whose house did Cassandra run into? Will Raphael cancel the advertisement? What Germans will be visiting Sorel Towers? Is Ivy going to go Summon Suffering on Raphael if he doesn't make it back for dinner? Find out in the next chapter!**_


	3. Crack Addicts to the Rescue!

"Aww man! This sucks! SUCKS! SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS! Now Miss Valentine will totally go Calamity Symphony on me for this!" Cassandra said, slamming the car door as she got out facing the person whose house she ran into.

"Oh thank you, God of the Wind, for answering my prayers!" the person said.

"Oh no…" Cassandra said, putting her hand over her face. "It could've been anyone's house but hers!"

"Actually", Talim said. "This is a rehab clinic for crack addicts like me!"

"I always knew something was wrong with you", Cassandra said when something crawled out of the fireplace.

"Inferno?" Cassandra asked, very much weirded out now.

"Actually my name is Winston Reginald Onnifer XII, thankfully this crack rehab clinic cleared up all the misconceptions about my former identity, the boss battle at the end of each Soul Calibur game", Inferno said. "Would anyone like a glass of water?"

"No thanks", Cassandra said. "I have to get this car working or Mr. Sorel and Ms. Valentine will totally go APE!"

"CRACK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDICTS!" someone boomed. Cassandra turned around to see Maxi, the head of the crack rehab clinic in hospital scrubs looking quite impatient.

"Well well well, if it isn't the Hunk' a Hunk' a Burnin' Love!" Cassandra said mockingly toward the Elvis look-a-like.

"I was already here…" Inferno replied.

"CURSES!" Maxi yelled. "Should've done my 2P hair today…"

"Well it's too late for that, is there any way you can help get this car out of here?" Cassandra asked.

"Not really, you woke up the crack addicts", Maxi said, irritatingly. "OFF TO BED CRACK ADDICTS!"

Disgruntled, the crack addicts made their way up the stairs to their dormitories while Maxi crossed the room to the refrigerator.

"Ach, you idiot, your car ruined my blue suede shoes!" Maxi sneered.

"LAY OFF THE ELVIS REFERENCES!"

"Fine."

Suddenly, Raphael burst through the door, his clothes covered in dirt and Flambert was drawn. He walked toward Cassandra.

"CASSANDRA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" Raphael yelled.

"It's your own damn fault Raphael, Ms. Valentine told you to fix the car but you wouldn't, cheapskate that you are!" Cassandra retorted.

"Don't you talk to me that way!" Raphael ordered. "Or I'll deck you a month's pay!"

"Ha, I don't believe you! The only one who makes decisions around that place is Ms. Valentine, in my opinion you don't have a case!"

"You're the one who drove it off the cliff in the first place! Have you heard of turning the wheel?"

"And risk killing myself in an auto accident? I think we know what happened the last time you had a vehicular accident!" Cassandra said.

"Don't you bring that up!"

"Too late!"

Flashback…

Raphael sniffed the crisp, alpine air, their hotel was located atop a mountain in Switzerland where people could ski and shop, however, to get to the hotel and the towns above you had to go by cable car.

Ivy, his wife was with him to. They were riding their bicycles through the mountain forest as Raphael's way of making up to Ivy after he inadvertently insulted her father at the hotel.

"I told you not to mention that!" Ivy said to him.

"It's a statement! It's fact!" Raphael protested.

"He doesn't like talking about it! Now when I thought we were making progress with our relationship you have to go and throw it all away!" Ivy said, sarcastically.

"Ivy, he hunted Soul Edge, it's nothing to be ashamed of! Everybody's doing it!" Raphael said in his own defense.

"That's like what Talim said before she tried to sell me crack", Ivy said. "What you said hurt him! He doesn't like to be thought of anymore as a demonic, soulless pirate. He's a family man now, a devoted father, so why don't you go back and apologize to him?"

"I didn't say anything wrong!"

"Yes you did…"

"NO I DIDN'T."

"I'm not going to argue with you Raphael, this bike ride was all about us connecting and coming to a sensible agreement and where this is going, I won't be a part of it!" Ivy said. She removed her pink helmet that was covered in rose patterns and placed it on the handlebars. She walked away.

"Good day Raphael", she said, stomping back to the hotel.

"It's five miles!"

"Five miles without you!"

Raphael grunted and kicked Ivy's bicycle when he heard a growling noise. He looked all around and couldn't see anything except for the bike had somehow stood itself up again. Suddenly, the bike wheeled toward him at an inhumanly fast speed and started to run him over repeatedly, it even jumped on him a few times.

"AAAAAAAAAGH! NO! STOP! IVY, STOP THIS CRAZY THING!" Raphael shrieked like a girl.

"Sing my bike! Muahahahahaha!" Ivy cackled.

End of Flashback

"No one mentions that story!" Raphael threatened. He drew Flambert and went into his fighting stance. "…Without consequence!"

"All right, but I must warn you, I'm going to see this through to the end!" Cassandra said, drawing the Spine Blade and started hopping about.

"Whoever wins this battle doesn't have to explain this to Ivy!" Raphael contested.

"You're on!"

Maxi walked between them.

"Battle 1, FIGHT!"

Cassandra charged at Raphael with a vertical attack. He tried to block it, which he did but the Spine Blade cut through his defenses hurting him a little. He proceeded to try that fancy move of his (whatever "in cadence") but Cassandra guard impacted his attack. She wound up her sword for Heaven's Guardian and struck Raphael into the air, losing a quarter of his health.

"Did that hurt?" Cassandra asked.

"Ho, yeah, urgh!" Raphael grunted as he did the cadence thing again. Cassandra lost quite a bit of health and was chased up the stairs. She performed the Dancing Shield attack on Raphael but to no avail, he ran her up more stairs until the got to the balcony, which disturbed the crack addicts greatly.

She performed her vertical front throw, the Spinal Crusher.

"Uh-oh", she said.

"That's right, uh-oh!" he said. He executed his front vertical throw while she was at the edge of the balcony, the infamous Unending Stings.

"Eg, eg, eg, eg, eg, eg eg eg eg, auuuuuuuuuuuu-yeah!" he said, ringing her out.

"RING OUT!" Maxi called.

"This must be some kind of mistake!" Cassandra said, throwing her sword and shield to the ground.

"The mistake is that you have to tell Ivy about the Aston! Ha ha ha!" Raphael gloated.

"Well I still get to baby-sit my sister's kids, right?" she asked.

"Fine."

"Goodbye Maxi", Raphael and Cassandra said. "I'll call a cab."

"Nice to meet you, good luck with your alibi!"

"Don't worry, I'll put a lot of thought into it", Cassandra said, smiling evilly. Raphael had done something very foolish, he had put the words in her mouth for why the Aston went off the road and it would be his entire fault.

"Hey, do you want some crack? I sprinkled some into my bagels!" Talim called from upstairs.

"SHUT UP! Don't make me get out the nunchakus!" Maxi yelled.

At the hotel…

"That took long enough! Where have you two been?" Ivy asked. "The guests are getting irate because dinner hasn't been served yet!"

"What? You could've easily done it! Why didn't you tell Yunsung to start?"

"You were lollygagging; now go tell Yunsung to start now."

"What were you doing?"

"I'm reading for my book club you cockroach, now hurry up and tell Yunsung!" Ivy yelled, getting out the Alraune and pointing it at him. Raphael immediately scuttled toward the kitchen.

"What have you been doing in here?" Raphael asked. Yunsung however was concentrated on his Mp3 player and doing some flashy moves with a spatula, acting like it was White Storm.

"Take THAT Mina!" he said to himself. Raphael put his hand to his forehead.

"YUNSUNG!" Raphael yelled. Yunsung ripped off the earphones in shock to find his boss staring at him with utmost embarrassment.

"Just start dinner…" Raphael said. He went into the dining room to find the guests revolting as Link scurried around to pour coffee and give them bread rolls.

"No, no, no! I don't want a CRACKER!" Xianghua complained. Raphael rolled his eyes and walked up to his Hylian waiter.

"Link", Raphael started.

"SEY-YAH!" he shouted.

"No, no, give her a roll."

"EEEEEEEEE-YAH!" Link said and started a roll attack.

"No, no. Food."

"F… f… food?" Link said, struggling to pronounce the word.

"Yes."

Link absentmindedly walked toward the roll cart when he tripped over a runaway roll, causing him to knock four of the platters off the cart. Each of the four platters and the rolls on them hit Kilik in the face while the pot of coffee spilled all over Xianghua.

"LIKE, OH MY GOD, YOU JUST TOTALLY RUINED MY GORGEOUS OUTFIT!" Xianghua said.

"You ru…"

"STOP!" Raphael commanded.

"SEY-YAH!"

Raphael slapped Link in the face with a platter and got bandages for his bleeding ears.

"That man needs a muzzle!" Raphael said to Ivy as he exited the dining room.

"Did Yunsung start dinner?"

"God I hope so."

"Well, I'm off to Aurelia's…"

"WHAT?"

"Its poker night Raphael, I have to go", Ivy said, tired of her husband's antics.

"No you don't, don't go, please God don't go."

"Why not?"

"Because… because… ohhhhhhh", Raphael squirmed.

"THE WIND HAS GRANTED AN ASTON MARTIN V8 VANTAGE!" a voice yelled. Ivy turned around and to Raphael's amazement, somehow the crack addicts got to their hotel.

"What? Who…" Ivy started.

"AYYYYYYYYYYYYYY CARUMBA!" Talim yelled and started dancing on top of the counter, knocking off the reservation booklet.

"Get down from there!" Ivy said. Suddenly, Link ran from the dining room, covered in flames when Inferno walked into the room drinking a coffee pot.

"I say, is this coffee Arabica? It's quite delicious", he said, drinking another cup. More oddness ensued, as a man flew through the lobby with his flag acting as a helicopter.

"NAMU NAMU NAMU NAMU NAMU NAMU NAMU NAMU NAMU!" the man yelled and hovered all around the establishment like a fool.

"Hey lady, I asked the waiter for some crack and he gave me a cracker! WHAT'S WITH THAT?" Talim screeched.

"When did Yoshimitsu get admitted to the crack addict rehab place?" Ivy asked. "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE STILL!"

"Haha, your Serpent's Venom didn't work!" Inferno taunted. Xianghua and Kilik ran out toward the garden, their clothes also on fire.

"NO! Don't go in the pool! It's chlorinated!" Ivy yelled. She then heard a fireball expand and closed her eyes.

"Raphael, you idiot, why are these crack addicts at my hotel?" Ivy asked impatiently.

"I have no idea…"

"Don't play dumb! Though I know you're not playing it, tell me!"

"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDICTS!" Maxi's voice boomed.

"Nyah-nyah, you can't catch me!" Talim said. "I'm WIND-ER WOMAN!"

"Raphael, you're going to be severely punished for this!"

"Sweet Dominance?"

"You got it."

Raphael decided to sit on the stoop of his hotel when an Aston Martin V8 Vantage drove up the walk and parked in Ivy's space. Cassandra exited.

"What? How did you…"

"I'll tell you tomorrow, but I have to say, YOU OWE ME!" Cassandra snapped. They went inside the hotel to find Yoshimitsu tearing holes in the carpet by sword pogo sticking everywhere, Talim was singing "Dust in the Wind" on top of the dining cart, Inferno was listening to Duran Duran's "A View to a Kill", Maxi was crying and Ivy was whipping people.

"Raphael, you're cleaning up this mess!" she said, pointing the whip sword at him.

**_A/N: Will Raphael clean up the mess? Is Talim's wind thing clichéd? Does anyone get the Duran Duran reference? Will Ivy notice that the car is NOT her Aston Martin? Is this the end for Kilik and Xianghua? _**

_**To be continued…**_


	4. How Cassandra Got the Aston Back

How Cassandra got the Aston…

Cassandra and Raphael were riding the cable car up to the hotel, staring coldly at one another because of the incident.

"It's your fault", Raphael said.

"My fault? We've been over this; you're the one who didn't repair it!"

"Fine, we'll have to see what Ivy says when YOU tell her!"

"Yes, we'll see all right", Cassandra smirked. "Hah, hah, hah!"

"Why are you laughing?"

"I have every right to laugh."

The cable car screeched to a halt and a creaking noise was heard.

"Didn't repair that either did you? The cable car's been making that noise for months now, I hope you know that!" Cassandra pointed out.

"Yes I know, I'll get around to it!"

They walked into the hotel where a very impatient Ivy stood waiting.

"That took long enough! Where have you two been?" Ivy asked. "The guests are getting irate because dinner hasn't been served yet!"

"What? You could've easily done it! Why didn't you tell Yunsung to start?"

"You were lollygagging; now go tell Yunsung to start now."

"What were you doing?"

"I'm reading for my book club you cockroach, now hurry up and tell Yunsung!" Ivy yelled, getting out the Alraune and pointing it at him. Raphael immediately scuttled toward the kitchen.

Cassandra grabbed his shirt and whispered into his ear.

"I'll take care of it, don't worry!"

While Ivy berated Raphael, Cassandra snuck out the front door and back onto the cable car where she headed back into town.

"If that crazy girl could pray for an Aston Martin V8 Vantage, let's see if she could get me another one!" Cassandra muttered. The cable car creaked down the line and stopped with a rickety creak and the warning that the cable car could fall soon. Cassandra dashed off the machine and made her way through town until a bus stopped at the kiosk where Cassandra boarded.

"The fare is 64 cents", the bus driver, who was Taki said. Cassandra dug through her pockets and found the necessary change. She went toward the front since NO ONE except jerks rode the bus at night, so she took a seat next to Voldo, who was indeed a jerk.

"How are things jerk?" Cassandra asked.

"UMMMMMPH?"

"How do you give voice lessons if you yourself cannot talk?" Cassandra said.

"HHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUR", Voldo hissed. He removed his faceplate, which was actually a retainer.

"It's-a this-a heavy-a-duty dental-a stuuuuuuuuuff", Voldo said, speaking like a stereotypical Italian.

"I never would've guessed you'd sound like that!" Cassandra said, surprised.

"Eh-no one-eh-does", Voldo told her, a bit disheartened.

"No one really gets to see the human side of you Voldo, you should make your true identity known, and perhaps that's why you don't get any takers for voice lessons at your shop?" Cassandra asked.

"Why? Is it the faceplate?"

"No, it's that people think you're a molester because of that weird moonwalk thing you do."

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"

"Okay you can stop now!"

"…Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"

"Yes I know this is a revelation for you but…"

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"

"Okay, this is the last straw buddy!" Cassandra growled and punched him in the face and started stabbing him while he was on the ground.

"HEY!" Taki yelled and stopped the bus. "Who are you trying to murder back there? There is no murdering people on this bus!"

"But it's Voldo! I don't know if he is technically considered a person!" Cassandra protested.

"Hmm… carry on!"

"HAHAHAHA!" Cassandra said as she kept stabbing Voldo repeatedly and smacking him in the face with her shield.

"KNOCK OUT!" Taki said. "Cassandra wins!" Suddenly, Cassandra felt compelled to jump in the air.

"Winning is all that matters!" she said.

"Next stop, Maxi's Crack Addict Rehab Institute!" Taki said, pulling the bus door open.

"Thank you!"

"Cassandra, BEGONE!"

Cassandra scurried off the bus as Taki drove off the cliff like a maniac. She simply shrugged her shoulders and found a grappling hook on the ground.

"That's a freebie!" she said and picked it up. She walked toward the map on the door that said where everyone's room was.

"That's another freebie… let's see, Yoshimitsu, room 1, Inferno, room 2, Charade, room 3, Talim, room 4!"

Cassandra ran around to another side of the building where the window to Talim's room was located, it has pictures of the wind plastered all over it, which of course, couldn't be seen in any of them. Cassandra threw the hook through the window, shattering the glass which caused Talim to freak out.

"SPONGEBOB, WHO'S PLAYING SQUIDWARD'S OLD RECORDS AGAIN?" she yelled.

"…" was all Cassandra could think to say as she climbed up the rope. Talim then looked out the window, with dark circles under her eyes and red veins on them, took out Sri Sarika and Loka Luha and chopped the grappling hook off the window causing Cassandra to free fall from the building.

Suddenly, a giant eagle swooped down and catapulted Cassandra into Talim's room!

"This author must really like me…" Cassandra said.

_**A/N: Cassandra's my favorite character.**_

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE!" Talim yelled with an English accent and pulled out a Falcon 2.

"Wrong video game", Cassandra quipped, threw her shield at Talim like a Frisbee and knocked the gun out of her hand.

"You won't shoot me, FOOLISH CHILD!"

"This is what you get for turning to a crack addict, I guess", Cassandra said to herself. "Listen Talim, I need to ask you a favor."

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"

"Don't even think about it", Cassandra said, holding her sword to Talim's neck.

"What is this FAVOR, you ask of me?" Talim asked, jerkily.

"Well, you know how you told me that the wind granted you the Aston Martin V8 Vantage."

"Yes."

"How did you go about doing that?" Cassandra asked.

"Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll…"

"I told you, no holding out words like that!" Cassandra threatened.

"Okay, this is what I did. But we have to go downstairs, and I need a couple things to perform the ritual."

"All right, let's get…"

"TV TIME!" Talim yelled. Talim turned on the TV and a commercial for Seung Mina's Sportsplex came on.

"Do you like sports?" Seung Mina asked from the TV.

"NOT REALLY!" Talim yelled.

"I like soccer", Cassandra said.

"Well I sure do! You can do any sport you like from baseball, basketball, football, soccer, fencing, swimming, dodgeball, and practicing the Ling Sheng Su arts!" Seung Mina said enthusiastically. The commercial cut to Seung Mina in the middle of a dodgeball court with balls flying across the room not hitting her while she kept speaking about exercise.

"Ha ha, I'm the king of dodgeball!" Yunsung said in the background. He threw a ball at Mina who blocked it with Scarlet Thunder, she picked up a stray one while he wasn't looking and threw it at him.

"Try dodging THIS!" she yelled and tossed the ball at him, hitting him in the face.

"Ow!"

"That's what you get for not paying attention!" Seung Mina said. "Located on 4579 I'm Better Than Kilik Road, Seung Mina's Sportsplex is the best way for diet and exercise around! Health Warning, this isn't a place for kids!"

Talim turned off the TV.

"How utterly random except to get another character involved in the story", Cassandra said to herself.

"WHY ARE YOU STANDING AROUND?" Talim shrieked.

"Craaaaaaaaaaack aaaaaaaaaadicts!" Maxi boomed.

"Uh-oh, WIND GUIDE US!" Talim yelled, holding onto Cassandra.

Nothing happened.

Maxi stomped closer to Talim's room when Cassandra pushed Talim out the window.

"What are you doing?"

"I'M IMPERSONATING PEOPLE AGAIN! I must WIN, for the children's sake!" Cassandra yelled, acting like a crack addict.

"Stupid crack addict, that's Cassandra's sister Sophitia you're impersonating! So much for the costumery!" Maxi said, laughing. "You crack addicts…" He walked out of the room.

"More freebies…"

Cassandra jumped out the window and climbed down the house with mountain climbing equipment while Talim writhed in pain on the ground.

"Alright Talim, what is it we need to accomplish this prayer ritual?" Cassandra asked.

"Okay, we need a giant umbrella, a bus, a dodgeball, crack, hair as red as blood, and the Alraune!" Talim said.

"THE ALRAUNE?" Cassandra asked, flabbergasted.

"Yes?"

"I can't get you that! That's Ms. Valentine's prized possession! Cervantes got it for her when they finally had a normal father-daughter relationship!"

"Well, that's your problem not mine!"

"And you have to collect them in that order, bring them all to me at Sorel Towers and I'll get you you're Aston Martin V8 Vantage!"

"Fine… LET'S GO!" Cassandra said.

First they walked all the way up the mountain to Setsuka's Giant Cocktail Bar and stepped inside to see the place adorned with neon hearts and giant umbrellas were hanging from the ceiling. There was also a giant dartboard with Mitsurugi's face on it all the Mitsurigi-haters were using.

"Welcome to Setsuka's Giant Cocktail Bar! I'm sorry, but we don't allow minors in here!" Setsuka said, walking up to them in her flowing pink kimono and platform shoes.

"Ooooooooom-pah-pah, ooooooooom-pah-pah, that's how it goooooooes!" Talim started singing.

"NO! No singing!" Setsuka said, taking Talim by the scruff of the neck and kicked her outside.

"I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!" Talim said. She then pouted and sat on the bench outside.

"All right then, have a seat where ever you'd like!" Setsuka said.

"Umm… I'm sorry to trouble you, I'm not here for a drink, and may I have one of the giant umbrella's hanging from your ceiling?"

"KATHERINE HELMOND IS THE MAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Talim yelled from outside.

"Umm… yes she is?" Cassandra agreed, half-heartedly.

"YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF MY UMBRELLAS! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR ASKING!"

"Well, I really need it or my boss is going to flay me alive!"

"Sorry, can't help you with that!"

"Please?"

"No."

"What could I do to get a giant umbrella?" Cassandra asked. Setsuka grinned, wolfishly.

12 Cocktails Later…

"Soooooooo I said, hey, you with the face, I'm a… hehehehe", Cassandra said, heavily and dangerously intoxicated.

"HILARIOUS!" Arthur said who was throwing knives at the Mitsurugi dartboard.

"Yeah, Cassandra Alexandra's my name, Sophitia, she's suuuuuuuuuuuuch a hooooooooog! She's like, ugg, Ms. Attention, ummmmmmm… hog!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" they laughed.

"Hey, could I have a giant umbrella now? You said 10 cocktails and I could have one", Cassandra pleaded.

"Mmmmmmmmmm… no. How about five more?"

"NO! I'll die of alcohol poisoning!" Cassandra protested, took Setsuka by the shoulders and flung her into the dartboard while Arthur threw knives at it absent-mindedly.

"NEW CHARACTER INITIATION TIME!" Cassandra yelled, drunkenly. Thankfully, Arthur's aim was horrible so Setsuka's clothes were just pinned to the dartboard, sticking her there.

"COME BACK!" Setsuka commanded. Cassandra took a blue umbrella from the ceiling.

"Make me, umbrella lady!" Cassandra taunted and rushed outside to crack addict Talim.

"Crack Addict Talim, I got your umbrella, now we need the bus", Cassandra said. "But how am I going to get it all the way up there?"

Cassandra pondered for a little while and snapped her fingers.

"I've got it!" Cassandra said. She whipped out her cell phone and dialed a number.

"HELLO?" a man asked.

"Hello Father Astaroth, this is Cassandra…"

"DE VRIES!" Talim yelled.

"…Alexandra", Cassandra finished, irritated.

"AH YES, HELLO CASSANDRA, WHAT DO YOU NEED?"

"Heavy lifting", Cassandra said.

"WHAT SORT OF HEAVY LIFTING?"

"Well, Taki drove a bus off of the highway and it landed on I'm Better Than Kilik Road, so I need you to haul it up to Sorel Towers, oh and bring Necrid too, he could help!"

"I'M ON MY WAY!" Astaroth said, and hung up which lead to him breaking the phone. Cassandra and Talim went down to the destroyed bus to find Taki jumping away from the scene. Astaroth and Necrid arrived on the scene in a Jetta with a sunroof, so Astaroth and Necrid could get their heads in comfortable positions.

"HELLO CASSANDRA!" Astaroth boomed.

"Hello Father Astaroth…"

"DESROYAUMAN!" Necrid croaked.

"Hello Deacon Necrid."

_**A/N: Anyone else think Necrid is Greek? His name insinuates his Greek-ness while he wears boots that are comparable to Cassandra's 3P SC2 boots.**_

"Okay, I need you to haul this all the way to Sorel Towers. Thank you for understanding!"

"NOT SO FAST!"

"What?"

"I BETTER SEE YOU AT HOLY UNCTION NEXT WEDNESDAY OR IT WILL RAIN BLOOD NEXT WEEK!" Astaroth said.

"Fine…" Cassandra said, rolling her eyes while Astaroth and Necrid trudged up the mountain with the bus strapped to their backs. She and Talim then crossed the street and went inside Seung Mina's Sportsplex.

"Hello, how may I help you?" Seung Mina asked.

"We need a dodgeball", Talim said.

"TRY DODGING THIS!" Seung Mina yelled and threw a dodgeball at Cassandra's face.

"Ow!" Cassandra said, rubbing her face. "Anyway, where can we find a dodgeball?"

"TRY DODGING THIS!" Seung Mina yelled and threw another dodgeball at Cassandra's face.

"You can stop that", Cassandra said, her right cheek now bleeding a little.

"Dodgeball", Talim said.

"TRY DODGING THIS!" Seung Mina yelled and threw another dodgeball at Cassandra's face.

"Why don't you sort this out Cassandra? I'm going to check out fencing!" Talim said.

"Not a picket fence, you ding-dong, PICKET SIGN!" Seung Mina replied.

"Oooooookay… I need one of those", Cassandra said, pointing to a dodgeball.

"TRY DODGING THIS!" Seung Mina yelled and threw another dodgeball at Cassandra's face.

"But I didn't even say dod--, I mean, that word!" Cassandra cried.

"The author typed it!" Seung Mina said, in her own defense.

"All right, may I please have a round shaped object that is on that shelf?" Cassandra asked Seung Mina.

"That'll be 3 dollars", Seung Mina said, cheerfully. Cassandra handed over the money and took a dod--, spherical-shaped object from the shelf.

"Thank you", Seung Mina said. "Come again!"

"TRY DODGING THIS!" Cassandra yelled and threw a dodgeball at Seung Mina's face, knocking her unconscious. "And that's what YOU get for not paying attention!"

Conveniently Talim rushed back to the scene and pulled out some crack and gave it to Cassandra.

"Now we need the hair as red as blood, the cow as white as milk, the slipper…"

"NO! NO SINGING! Especially from that putrid musical Into the Woods", Cassandra said, clutching her ears. "It's almost as annoying as Kilik's voice!"

They went back up the mountain to find the bus almost there, Cassandra dropped the umbrella on the ground at Sorel Towers and ran into the kitchen with her sword drawn.

"CASSANDRA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Yunsung yelled. She sliced off the cowlick on his hair.

"That's been bothering me since SC2", Cassandra said, and ran out with it, sealing it in a Ziploc plastic bag. Astaroth and Necrid dropped off the bus, so she placed the objects in the order they were to be placed, umbrella, bus, dodgeball, crack, red hair and last she had to obtain the genuine Alraune.

At Crack Addict Land…

"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDICTS!" Maxi boomed. Charade, Yoshimitsu and Inferno all walked into the downstairs kitchen where Maxi was making Progresso soup.

"Crack Addict Number 4 has gone missing! We need to find her!" Maxi said. "Bring your guns, bring your knives, save your children and your wives, we'll save our VILLAGE AND OUR LIVES!"

"Beauty and the Beast, wonderful novel, play and movie", Inferno commented. So under Maxi's command, each jerk brought guns, knives, saved their kids and wives (which they had none) and went to save their village and their lives (or so they thought). Minutes later, they were up the mountain which caused Talim to run inside the hotel in fear, the rest followed except Charade who stayed behind.

"Hey, eye guy, could you make your stick look like Ivy's Alraune?" Cassandra asked. Charade nodded, if you could call it nodding and complied. He handed Cassandra the false Alraune and went inside the hotel to replace it with the real one. She grabbed a coffee pot from the roll cart and spilled it on the hand that Ivy held the Alraune in.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Ivy screamed and dropped the Alraune. Cassandra dropped her fake Alraune and snatched up Ivy's real one.

"Are you okay? So sorry, gotta run, bye-bye!" Cassandra said and dashed outside. She put the Alraune in a pile with the rest of the items Talim had requested.

"What now Talim?"

"Set fire to the pile!"

"There's no fire here!"

Suddenly, Kilik and Xianghua ran outside with their clothing aflame. Cassandra ran up to them.

"Thank God, you're going to douse the flame!" Xianghua said.

"Not really", Cassandra said, taking a branch from the fig tree and lit it on Xianghua who she and Kilik subsequently jumped into the pool creating a fireball.

She threw it on the pile and started to hear Talim sing "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas.

"Dust in the wind… the Aston Martin V8 Vantage is dust in the wind…" Talim sang. Suddenly the pile vanished into thin air and was replaced with a brand-new Aston Martin V8 Vantage.

"Wow, that crack addict was way helpful! Thanks Crack Addict Talim!"

Cassandra climbed in the car and drove around the road up to Sorel Towers where she found Raphael sitting on the porch.

"What? How did you…"

"I'll tell you tomorrow, but I have to say, YOU OWE ME!" Cassandra snapped as she got out of the car.

They went inside the hotel to find Yoshimitsu tearing holes in the carpet by sword pogo sticking everywhere, Talim was singing "Dust in the Wind" on top of the dining cart, Inferno was listening to Duran Duran's "A View to a Kill", Maxi was crying and Ivy was whipping people.

"Raphael, you're cleaning up this mess!" she said, pointing the whip sword at him.

**_A/N: And that's how Cassandra found the Aston Martin. Wasn't Talim helpful? This chapter was chock-full of references, hopefully the subsequent chapters will have more "Fawlty Towers" references than the previous ones… hope you enjoyed._**


	5. The Dandruff Incident

Ivy was upset.

Ivy often got upset with Raphael, as his antics usually meant another step back for their hotel. Thankfully she got her Aston back.

She didn't.

And she had her precious Alraune.

And she didn't have that either.

"Raphael, what are we going to do about this hotel?" Ivy asked him, walking down the stairs in her SCIII 2P outfit.

"Whatever do you mean my sweet?" he asked innocently.

"Well let's see Raphael, last night, crack addicts stormed my hotel, one employee of ours is burnt, two of our guests are suing us, there is crack laced in the air, the carpet is torn to bits because of Yoshimitsu, the floor is burnt, the tables are broken, the papers are gone, the tables are disheveled and you STILL HAVEN'T RETRACTED THE ADVERT!" she said, naming off all of the things wrong with the hotel.

"I've been very busy lately, dear!" Raphael complained.

"Doing what might I ask?"

"Well let's see, you don't tend to guests, you don't take out the garbage…" Ivy rattled off the things Raphael didn't do.

What Raphael did...

"SOUL EDGE SHALL BE MINE!" Raphael said, using old cartography tools.

"RAPHAEL!" Ivy screamed.

"Yes dear?" he asked, hurriedly putting his things away, and tied himself to the chair.

Ivy walked out of the bathroom in her SCII 1P outfit, holding the outfit in a kinky manner and started playing Green Day's "Blood, Sex and Booze".

"Are you ready to play?" she asked, seductively.

end of flashback

"I don't know, but we'll need to renovate the place. Actually Raphael, this was sort of a blessing in disguise", Ivy said.

"How so dear?" Raphael asked.

"Well, I've never liked the design, all French Renaissance, very dark, moody, much like your SCII and SCIII first player outfits!" Ivy said.

"My SCIII outfits suck and I picked out the design!" Raphael said.

They do and he did.

"Exactly, which is why the crack addict attack was a blessing in disguise", Ivy said. "I know of a very good builder, his name is Heishiro Mitsurugi."

"Him? Do you know how much he charges for a job?"

"His work is quality, Raphael", Ivy said. "Unlike that ninja woman you favor."

"Taki? She'd be a great choice! Plus, she does all that jumping about, she's arguably the fastest character in the game!" Raphael said.

"Taki?" Cassandra asked who just walked out of the kitchen carrying a tea tray for their latest guests.

"Yes, what do you know, Cassandra?" Ivy asked suspiciously.

"Taki was a bus driver."

Ivy started fuming.

"RAPHAEL! YOU WANT A BUS DRIVER TO BE REMODELING MY HOTEL?" Ivy screamed. She pointed the Alraune at him, trying to get it to go into whip state but nothing happen.

"What's the matter with this thing?" Ivy asked herself, shaking it. "No matter, I have my designs ready."

She handed her designs over to Raphael, which had a rose covered carpet, all the furniture was maroon leather, the chandeliers were pristine and crystal, the counters would be dark mahogany and the walls would be a darker shade of rose.

And that was just the foyer! Essentially, every other room, the bar and dining room would be the same pattern with a few exceptions.

"This is all very riveting dear, how about I call Mitsurugi now…"

"No."

"What do you mean no? You wanted him!"

"You have to pack?"

"We're not separating again are we, Ivy?"

"Sadly no, Aurelia said we could use her room for a resort out of town since she can't go as she had something else to do with her husband, it's by a golf course, a lake, a mountain for skiing, there's so much we could do there! Now go pack!" Ivy commanded. Cassandra walked behind the desk and looked through the mail to see if anything important had come and of course, there was nothing.

"Nothing important dear Ms. Valentine", Cassandra chirped.

"Dear, there never is", Ivy responded. Cassandra chuckled as Link wandered out of the dining room, looking extremely confused. Raphael walked down the stairs with a duffel bag and noticed he was there.

"Ah Link, could you get my skis and bring them out to the Aston?"

"TEY-YAH! TORYAH!" he yelled.

"Umm… no", Raphael said.

"SKIS? SKIS ARE BLUE!"

"No, Ivy's are rose and mine are green, please get them!"

"SKIS ARE BLUE AND WHITE!"

"What is he trying to say?" Raphael asked Cassandra. Cassandra mulled it over and then snapped her fingers.

"He thinks your talking about the SKY!" Cassandra said.

"Ugh… no, YUNSUNG!" Raphael yelled.

"What? I'm trying to make kimchi for lunch!" Yunsung yelled.

"Could you get our skis?" Raphael asked.

"Fine, but you have to watch the kimchi!"

Raphael rolled his eyes and walked into the kitchen and watched the boiling Korean cabbage soup. He thought he was forgetting something, so he scratched his head. Forgetting about his severe dandruff problem, a whole slew of it fell into Yunsung's stew. However, he didn't notice, since he never did with his dandruff problem. In fact, it was one of the reasons not many people went to Sorel Towers…

The Dandruff Incident…

Ivy walked down the stairs in her 3P SCII outfit, with her detachable pink skirt on, to make her look grander for their very grand opening. She painted her nails a dark purple and pulled out her planner to make sure the day ran smoothly tomorrow.

Agenda for Ivy

8:00 AM – Tell Cassandra to scrub behind the fridge

8:30 AM – Yell at Raphael

10:30 AM – Golf with Aurelia

1:00 PM – Yell at Raphael, he'll probably mess something up

1:05 PM – Ask Yunsung to start lunch (kimchi)

1:30 PM – Give Seung Mina alarm call

3:00 PM – Go to Aurelia's for book club

4: 30 PM – Order cocktail's from Setsuka's Giant Cocktail Bar

Ivy temporarily closed her planner and walked out into the lobby. She very much detested the patterns Raphael chose, making it look like a near replica of Versailles palace (albeit a cheap replica of Versailles Palace).She rolled her eyes and breathed in.

"RAPHAEL?" she screamed. Her husband ran down the stairs in his SCIII 1P outfit. "Oh Raphael, you're not going to wear that are you?"

"What's wrong with it, dear?"

"We're trying to make a good impression, not have them fleeing for their lives at the sight of your hideous wardrobe!"

"I like this outfit, Ivy; it doesn't look bad at all!"

"Ha! Why don't you wear your Soul Calibur 2 clothes anymore? They were absolutely sophisticated, suave and snazzy!"

"Because Ivy, this is the new me, now you can live with the new me or you can just walk away!"

"I couldn't live with the old you either but the outfits made it worthwhile."

"You're so mean to me!" Raphael whined. Ivy just cackled and waved her hand at him. Seung Mina and her father, the esteemed Seung Han-myong walked down the stairs and into the dining room as Talim and her father, the wind priest Sanput walked into the dining room as well. Sophitia and Rothion also stepped into the room as they were about to be prepared a very memorable meal.

Raphael walked into the room with Ivy and Cassandra in tow and up to a mahogany podium situated by the bay window. Raphael tapped the microphone and the most irritating amount of feedback sprung throughout the room, causing the diners to be very agitated.

"Sorry there!"

"Idiot…" Ivy muttered.

"Tonight, you've all been invited here to the grand opening of Sorel Towers! May I extend my welcome to you all and hope this dinner will be an enjoyable one; afterwards you are invited into the salon for cocktails provided by Setsuka's Giant Cocktail Bar", Raphael said.

"Excuse me, my daughter is not of legal drinking age", Sanput, the wind priest said.

"Well that's your problem, not mine!" Raphael retorted. Ivy pushed him out of the way.

"I'm sorry, it's really no problem, is there any drink she'd especially like?" Ivy asked, whipping out a pad.

"Grapefruit JUUUUUUUUUUUUUICE!" Talim exclaimed.

"We can manage that, can't we dear? Just making all sort of special requests for our diners, that's our job", Raphael said, a bit miffed.

"Yes it is Raphael", Ivy said and walked into the kitchen to see their chef Assassin, who was preparing the meals for the guests.

"HOY-YAH!" he yelled.

"Come on, I know you can talk", Ivy said.

"Fine… I'm almost done; we can start serving any minute now."

"LINK!" Raphael yelled. The elfin waiter bustled into the room with two trays in his hand but tripped over a power cord on the floor, causing them to clatter on the tile flooring.

"By the way, we need to open a container of grapefruit juice because one of the guests is underage and we have to cater to everyone's whim according to my wife!"

"You do realize we're running a hotel, don't you Raphael?" Ivy asked sarcastically.

"Assassin, would you please help Link serve? He's sort of… sub par", Ivy said.

"No problem", he said and piled a few dishes on the trays, escorting Link out of the kitchen as Ivy followed.

"Raphael, that grapefruit juice isn't going to get opened by itself!" Ivy scoffed. Raphael shook his fist at her as she strutted out of the room. He saw a bag of white powder on the counter and thinking it was flour decided to pour it inside the grapefruit juice.

"We'll see how that little brat enjoys this grapefruit juice… heh heh heh", Raphael said, taking the glass out to the salon.

"Excuse me", Seung Han-myong said, flagging Raphael down.

"That man over there tried to take my order, now tell him that I'm do not like to be served by younglings."

"Right away", Raphael said, perplexed. He ignored the man's request and proceeded to the Wind Priest's table, giving Talim her drink.

"Oh by the way, may I have the ravioli please?" Sanput asked. "Also, put some parmesan cheese on it, I can't eat any food like that without the parmesan!"

"I'll get it right away", Raphael said.

"This drink tastes funny", Talim said, whose eyes bugged out, became dark and moody and she started having spasms.

"GIVE ME CRACK, OLD MAN!" Talim yelled.

"What? How dare you!" Sanput said, in shock. Raphael, in the kitchen, who was despising the wind family in their entire entirety decided to add his special blend of parmesan cheese into his food. He scratched his head and massive clumps of dandruff fell into the food. Ivy walked in but thankfully didn't see him.

"Raphael! They're getting impatient!"

He walked into the room.

"I WANT A DIVORCE!" Sophitia yelled.

"Why?" Rothion asked bewildered

""I don't know… I've always wanted to say that!

"Whaaaaat?" Rothion asked, more bewildered.

"Here's your meal!" Raphael said, handing Sanput the dish. Suddenly, he started vomiting profusely and in between each vomit he would speak.

"YOU JERK! THIS IS DANDRUFF! AND NOW MY DAUGHTER IS A CRACK ADDICT!"

"I'm a crack-addict! Crack-addict! A super crack-addict…" Talim sang.

"Now all she does is sing songs with the word "crack addict" in them!"

"I've seen soccer matches that are worse…"

This caused Seung Mina, who is obsessed with sports, to go into a sports-related action in which she threw off her top and ran around yelling GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL at the top of her lungs. All the men stared in awe except the women and her father, who were ashamed at her lack of decency. She quickly donned the top again and sat down.

"Soccer…" Raphael said. Ivy whipped him.

"Assassin's YOUR CRACK ADDICT!" Ivy said, pointing at him. Suddenly, due to the mass confusion, the dinner guests started attacking Raphael and each other. Soon they were all outside and Ivy performed Calamity Symphony on Assassin, sending him into the crevice below. She also performed Serpent's Venom on Raphael and forced everyone else to leave.

"You know what this means Raphael", Ivy said.

"Sweet Dominance?"

"You've got it", Ivy said.

"Those were the days, weren't they Ivy?" Raphael asked.

"It's why we don't get business. Now hurry up, that car won't wait forever." Ivy said, walking out.

"Cassandra, Mitsurigi's not coming to work on the place, it'll be Taki!"

"Taki? But Raphael, Ivy just said we weren't going to use her!"

"Well… I already called her."

"YOU WHAT?"

"Well, it was short notice, I didn't want to go through all that red tape…"

"If I get mixed up in this…"

"Don't worry, you won't dear, just be cool", Raphael said. "And don't tell my wife, she'll be furious!"

"If she asks me…"

"Oh thank you Cassandra for your support, I always know who I can count on!"

"Raphael, don't make me pull you into the car with the Alraune! Even though it's not working…"

"I've got to go. Toodles!" Raphael said.

"Toodles", Cassandra said and slumped onto the counter.

_**A/N: What kind of catastrophe will Taki cause? Will Ivy and Raphael enjoy their romantic weekend? Find out in the next chapter!**_


	6. Of Course You Are

Disclaimer: Don't own Aston Martin, Soul Calibur II, Perfect Dark, James Bond, The Wizard of Oz… yada yada yada, oh yeah, Seinfeld either…

The Aston Martin V8 Vantage sped down the road on the way to the resort. Ivy was looking irritated; usually the source of this was her bumbling husband, Raphael. And of course, the reason she was irritated was because of him.

"I don't know why you wouldn't let us stop for directions", Ivy asked while she drove the car around another corner.

"Because Ivy, I know how to get to that resort", Raphael replied.

"And I suppose asking directions is your last resort?" Ivy asked sarcastically.

"You're insulting me again."

"It's because you deserve it Raphael", Ivy responded.

The Hotel…

Cassandra was bored.

Bored couldn't actually describe the feeling Cassandra felt, she was cooped up in a deserted hotel, save Yunsung and Link on top of a mountain, so if anyone in their right mind would want to visit her, they'd have to take that rickety tram. She hated that thing with an intensity of one-thousand suns, because when she came to show her niece and nephew the Olympic pool in the back, Raphael and Ivy were having one of their famous arguments where Raphael goes berserk and turns off the power and Ivy whips him for being an idiot.

So the cable car stops at one of the highest points during the tram ride and her niece and nephew started screaming which is when the tram wheel started to unhinge and it started creaking. Thankfully Ivy remembered she was bringing up her nieces and knocked Raphael unconscious, turned on the power and brought Cassandra to safety.

However, her sister didn't speak to her for a week after that.

She decided to call up Sophitia now since there was nothing better to do.

"459-7690", Cassandra said to herself as she spun the rotary phone dial around since Raphael was too cheap to get a touchtone.

"Hello?"

"Hey Sophie, this is your sister Cassandra."

"Oh, hi Cassandra, listen I have to get the kids to school, could you call back later?"

"Fine…"

She hung up the phone and really couldn't think of anyone else she would call. She decided to have her own fun and dialed the number to Seung Mina's Sportsplex.

Seung Mina, luckily, picked up the phone.

"Hello welcome to Seung Mina's Sportsplex, where sports is the only thing you can do here!"

"Hi, I'd like to sign up for a game of dodgeball", Cassandra said in a nasally voice, trying to provoke Mina into throwing a dodgeball at nobody.

"TRY DODGING THIS!" Mina yelled. She heard a ball being thrown but it was never heard hitting something. Cassandra just hung up the phone and sat there reading her magazine.

"Cassandra?" Yunsung asked.

"Yes Yunsung?"

"This hotel sucks."

"Yes it does Yunsung", Cassandra said, turning another page in her magazine.

"Wanna watch TV?"

"Ok… put it on", Cassandra said, distractedly. Yunsung flipped it on and it was on the Community Access channel.

"HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE TALIM WEBCAM SHOW! I'm your host, Talim… I don't have a last name. Like Cher… Oooooooooh, I got you babe! They say we're young and we don't know… we won't find out untiiiiiiiil we grow!"

"What is this crap?" Cassandra asked.

"You're probably asking what this crap is. Well, I secretly signed a contract with the TV station unknown to my caregiver, Maxi to produce a show about nothing!"

"Yep… it sure runs circles around Seinfeld…" Cassandra commented.

"Anyway, I'm going to start taking your calls now."

Cassandra called in, to have a little more fun.

"Caller #1, you're on the air!"

"There's crack at the bottom of the ravine by Sorel Towers", Cassandra said.

"NO WAY!" Talim yelled, running out of view from the camera and donning an old fashioned aviator outfit. She then took her camera with her. "Don't tell Maxi, but I'm keeping a C-130 Hercules hidden beneath this place!"

"That girl is strange!"

She went into her underground hangar and taxied the Hercules for takeoff and went through the underground hangar doors and flew toward the ravine Cassandra spoke of.

"Yunsung, do you hear something?"

"No…"

Suddenly, a C130 Hercules came into plain (haha) sight and I guarantee Talim wasn't trying to check in at the hotel.

"DUCK AND COVER!" Cassandra yelled, pushing Yunsung into the kitchen. Talim flew the military aircraft through the hotel, smashing it to smithereens and flying the plane headfirst into the ravine. Suddenly, a stock sound effect snatched from "The Living Daylights" was heard and Talim's plane was no more… which depending on who you are, that might be a good thing or a bad thing.

The hotel was destroyed. Obliterated. Annihilated. Murdered.

"EXECUTED!" Astaroth boomed.

"Shut up!" Cassandra yelled.

Smashed. Sliced. Blown to smithereens. You name the phrase, that's what the hotel was.

"You're kidding me. YOU'RE KIDDING ME! YOU'RE KIDDING ME!" Cassandra yelled and then a stock sound effect and visual effect from "The Wizard of Oz" brought Cassandra back to the real world from her dreams with Yunsung shaking her awake.

"Cassandra! Cassandra! Wake up!"

"Oh Yunsung, I had the most terrible dream! You were there, and the hotel was destroyed by Talim in a C130 Hercules!"

"That doesn't sound too horrible!"

"There was a stock sound effect from "The Living Daylights"!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THAT IS HORRIBLE!" Yunsung yelled.

"Tell me about it. I have to get out of this hotel."

"Grr… I hate this hotel", Yunsung said. "I'm with you. I'm outta here!"

"Ugh… we can't go! Taki's supposed to come, remember?"

"GRR, I hate Mr. Sorel sometimes", Yunsung fumed.

"Hey, why don't we have Link give her the plans?"

"He can barely speak English! Even though we shouldn't technically be able to speak it either… the only one who should is Ivy."

"Too bad, they're just catering to the consumers in America but they should've catered to the author of this story by making Soul Calibur III multiplatform", Cassandra said.

"That was random."

"Where did Ms. Valentine put the plans for the hotel? It's gone! Wait… no, here it is!" Cassandra said, fishing a manila envelope that housed the plans and put in on the desk.

"LINK!"

"SEY-YAH!" Link yelled, charging into the room.

"Give folder to Taki", Cassandra said

"TERYA!" Link yelled, ran outside and pushed a large rock inside the hotel.

"What's that?"

"BOULDER."

"No… folder", Cassandra said, pointing to the folder on the counter.

"TOY-YAH!"

"I'll take that as a yes…" Cassandra said and she and Yunsung left the building.

"Where you go?"

"Out for a little bit", Cassandra said, taking Yunsung over to the tram. Link turned on the TV to see Talim's Webcam Show on the Community Access Channel while he waited.

Raphael and Ivy…

The V8 Vantage pulled up through the long stone walkway up to a very beautiful gate of a vast French chateau.

"Raphael, fix your hat", Ivy scoffed as she pulled through and up to a Chinese woman in an equestrian getup. She held her hand out to stop them and took their reservation confirmation from Ivy at the window.

"Mizz... Vohl-an-tine?"

"Valentine, my dear", Ivy said.

"My name is Pan Ho, this hotel's head of security", she said.

"How do you do?"

"We have a room for you at the chateau."

"Oh splendid."

"There's a golf course already in progress at the clubhouse."

"Oh is that it?" Raphael asked, pointing at a nice looking building.

"No, no, those are the servant's quarters. The clubhouse is over there", she said, pointing to an enormous, extravagantly decorated building in the foreground. "Why don't I let you unpack and then call me, I'll escort you there."

Ivy drove the Aston Martin up to the actual hotel portion of the vast resort. This time, at the top of the staircase, a ravishing blonde woman in an equestrian getup was walking down the stairs with a riding crop in hand.

"Welcome sir, I'm Jenny Flex", she said.

"Of course you are…" Raphael said, eying her up and down. Ivy slapped him upside the head.

"Ah, I'll call a porter!" Jenny said.

"No, that won't be necessary, my husband can take care of that", Ivy said, smartly.

"Let me show you to your room", Flex said.

"Thank you", Ivy remarked. "When you're ready Raphael…" And she disappeared into the chateau with Jenny. Raphael put both cases of clubs on his back, took both the skis and took both his and Ivy's suitcases and trudged into the beautiful French building.

"Well my dear, I must say, this building is magnificent!" Ivy commented, marveling at the artwork and the style.

"It was built in the sixteenth century by a duke who believed he'd be reincarnated as a horse", Jenny Flex explained.

"Well, it obviously didn't happen. You shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, haha!" Ivy chortled.

"Quite", Jenny said and when Ivy wasn't looking she rolled her eyes. Raphael clattered up the stairs and jogged to the room where both Jenny and Ivy were standing.

"That took long enough. Now start unpacking", Ivy commanded and immediately went back into kind-mode for Jenny.

"Skiing goes until 11:00, golf goes till 6:00, the Olympic pool is open all night, and boat access to the lake also goes all day", Jenny commented.

"Thank you very much, Ms. Flex", Ivy said.

"Of course." Jenny said, bowed and left the room.

"Oh the things we could do with that riding crop…" Raphael muttered to himself. Ivy whipped him.

"We're here to have a romantic getaway, not eying some Irish floozy", Ivy scoffed.

"Did you just say floozy?"

"Yes…"

"They stopped using that word a long time ago."

"Well I prefer it to the alternative since everyone just loves to call me that. Curse my dominatrix type personality…"

"Well, you can't help it when you're the child of Soul Edge…"

"RAPHAEL, stop bringing that up, you know I don't like talking about it!"

"You don't?"

At their wedding…

"And do you Isabella Concepción Valentine take this man, Raphael Achille Sorel, take this lawfully wedded man to be your husband?"

"I do!" she said, passionately.

"And do you, Raphael Achille Sorel, take this woman, Isabella Concepción Valentine to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do! Or else, the power of Soul Edge will overtake her and she'll attack me!" Raphael responded. As the crowd, applauded, it drown out Ivy's angry tirade.

At the reception…

"And a toast to Soul Edge", Raphael said. The crowd fell silent. "Because, without it, Cervantes never would've banged the lady at the Black Tail Inn and I wouldn't have my wonderful wife!"

"Raphael, you…"

The crowd applauded again.

At the hotel…

"Raphael, have you seen my sailing outfit?"

"Get the Valentine to find it, it has the power of Soul Edge!"

"Raphael, you…"

Suddenly, Talim flew her C130 Hercules past the hotel.

This morning…

"Are you up yet? There are guests downstairs!" Ivy yelled. Raphael was just getting out of the shower and was about to dry his hair.

"You have the power of Soul Edge in your blood, can't you do something about it?"

"Raphael, you…"

And then he turned on the hairdryer.

"Ohhhhh… you have a point."

"I do, now we're going skiing", Ivy commanded.

"Fine…" Raphael said.

Raphael and Ivy were on their way up the chairlift as Raphael decided to have some fun with his wife. (Not that kind of fun, perverts) ;)

He started rocking the chairlift.

"Raphael, don't rock the chairlift."

"Why, are you scared?" Raphael teased.

"No, it's just that I don't want to get kicked out of this resort, now stop making a fool of yourself!" Ivy said.

"Oooh, I'm gonna fall!"

"Don't Raphael…"

"Save me, save me!"

"Shut up, dear!"

All of the sudden, the beautiful blonde Jenny Flex, caught they eye of Raphael and while he tilted forward, he fell off the chairlift.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO!" Ivy yelled as her voice faded into the distance. Raphael hit the ground, unable to control his skis and he veered off onto the Expert Skier Hill. He flew through mounds of snow and hit a few evergreen trees on his way down. He then went down one of the most rickety and steep ski jumps ever and flew hundreds of feet in the air, hit the evergreen trees, trying to ski across them until he finally hit the snow and flew off what seemed like a cliff but was really just a very steep inclined hill. He continued this ski adventure until he finally fell down the cliff, lost his skis and landed headfirst in the snow.

"Hello Pan Ho?" Ivy asked from the phone beneath the ski lift. "My idiot husband fell off the chairlift and veered off to the Expert Skier Hill."

"Ooooooooh, we'll send a helicopter to pick you up!" Pan Ho said. A helicopter picked up Ivy and it was piloted by the scrumptious Jenny Flex.

"Of course you are", no one said.

"What was that?" Ivy asked.

"I didn't say anything…" Jenny replied. They took off and flew over the expert skier hill to see a green ski at the bottom of the cliff.

"That's my husband", Ivy said, flatly. Jenny Flex…

"Of course you are", no one said again.

…piloted the helicopter down into the snowy drifts to pick up the hapless Frenchman from his plight.

Raphael managed to get up and look inside the helicopter.

"Hey look, it's Jenny Flex!"

"Of course you are", no one said.

Ivy opened the door on his face and he was knocked unconscious.

"RAPHAEL!"

"Sweet Dominance?"

"Ivy Lick."  
"Oh no…"

"That's right mister! Now get in the helicopter with me and Jenny Fl…"

"Of…

"le-…"

"course you…"

"ck…"

"aaaaaaaaaaaaa"

"Jenny."

"Darn it", said no one in particular.

"I hate no one in particular", Ivy said to herself as she pulled Raphael into the helicopter with her.

At the hotel…

A smoke bomb went off and a high pitched scream was heard. Make that two high pitched screams, as Link was frightened as well.

"I am Taki", she said. Link handed her one of the room's passcards.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"TAKE KEY!" Link yelled.

"No you elfin ignoramus! I don't want to take a key, my name is TAKI, I am Japanese!"

"Turning Japanese?"

"No moron, that's a song", Taki said. "DESTROY!"

She flung one of her bombs at Link, knocking him out and took the plans from the table.

"Hmm… this is quite interesting… let's see what I can do!" Taki said.

_**What sort of a mess will Taki make of the hotel? What are Yunsung and Cassandra going to do after they've escaped the hotel? Is Link okay? And will Raphael make it through his romantic weekend with the temptations of the lovely Jenny Flex?**_

"Of course you are."

_**SILENCE! Anyway, what else will go wrong at the resort? Find out in the next chapter!**_


	7. A Clichèd Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Soul Calibur, Lake Placid, A View to a Kill, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Barbie, Strawberry Shortcake, The Silence of the Lambs, Dora the Explorer or Dracula. What a long disclaimer… I hate writing them.

The tram slowly inched down the cable and Cassandra and Yunsung sat nervously and silently in fear of it breaking. If it broke, they would die and no one would be happy, not even Talim.

"So… how's Sophitia?" Yunsung asked.

"Oh she's good, I don't think her and Rothion should stay together anymore."

"Why?"

"Because, he's always away on business, he's never in any of these games even though he's always mentioned, and he can't fight worth crap!"

"I see…"

"She should find a new man."

"Yep, you know how everyone wants me to fall in love with Talim?"

"Yeah."

"I don't see it, she's kind of a ", Yunsung said, swearing profusely like Betty White in Lake Placid.

"I didn't even know those words existed!"

"Some of them aren't English", Yunsung said.

"I've never liked Talim, what's with being obsessed with the wind? It's nonsensical… it's DISGUSTING!"

"Yay verily", Astaroth randomly said even though he wasn't anywhere near the cable car.

"I hate when people randomly say things when they're not near the main focus of the story", Sophitia said, who also wasn't anywhere near Cassandra or Yunsung.

"Shut up", they both said. They also laughed. There was also sexual tension in the air.

"Do you feel that?"

"What?"

"I don't know… it's that darn sexual tension", Cassandra said.

"Grr… and it smells funny too", Yunsung said. There was laughter.

"… Dodging THIS!" Seung Mina's voice said and a flying dodgeball flew through the window and knocked Cassandra out of the cable car. As she started to fall, Yunsung lunged through the door and grabbed her arm.

"CASSANDRA!" Yunsung yelled.

"Yunsung, this is so terribly clichéd", Cassandra cried. "Then again, what event in this story ISN'T clichéd?"

"True dat, true dat!" Yunsung said.

"WHAT?" Cassandra yelled, worriedly.

"I didn't say anything, it was that guy at Raphael and Ivy's resort that says "of course you are" whenever anyone says Jenny Flex."

"Of course you are", no one said.

At the resort…

"Well Mr. Sorel you managed to almost break all the bones in your body", the doctor said.

"Oh no…" Ivy said shocked.

"I don't know why you'd be reacting so negatively to this", the doctor said.

"I don't follow", Ivy said, puzzled.

"I said he "almost" broke all the bones in his body, not he DID break all the bones in his body!"

Ivy killed the doctor.

"Alright Raphael, let's go back to the hotel room or would you like to do something else?"

"How about a nice, relaxing, fun game of golf", Raphael mused, hopping out of bed.

"Sounds wonderful!" Ivy said.

They headed out to the sprawling green hills which was the golf course, with their Calloway golf clubs in the cart with Ivy at the wheel, pulling up to the first hole.

"Alright, I'll flip the tee, whoever it points to goes first", Ivy said. She flipped the tee and it pointed toward her.

"I'll go then", she said. She put down her ball, lined up her shot and… HOLE IN ONE.

"I'm that good, you're up dear", Ivy said, playing with her golf club and taking a seat in the cart.

"Alrighty", Raphael said, putting his ball on the tee, lining up his shot and striking. His ball however hardly made it past the tee-off area.

"Tough luck", Ivy said. Raphael started blindly hitting the ball in random directions tearing up the sunny pasture.

"Well the handicap is 10…" Ivy muttered.

"NO! I will get it in… eventually!"

5 Hours Later…

Ivy sat angrily in the golf cart. Raphael hadn't even made it close to the green yet.

"Can we please hurry", she asked. "Golf hours are almost done!"

"Don't worry, I'm almost to the green", Raphael said.

5 Hours Later…

Ivy sat in the golf cart so angrily that she actually resorted to eating the steering wheel and one of her golf clubs. In fact, Raphael had gone backwards toward the tee-off area.

"GIVE ME YOUR CLUB!" she yelled. She took it and got Raphael a hole in one. She then proceeded to randomly eat his golf club.

"What was that for?"

"Well Raphael, let me see, last I counted you hit the ball exactly 10,692 times in a period of ten and a half hours."

"In fact it's a world record!" Max Zorin said, walking out on the golf course.

"Mr. Zorin?"

"That's right; you've made the chateau famous! While you were blindly swinging your club and your wife was eating the golf club, the Big Bad Book of World Records came, videotaped you and recorded your golf-horribleness."

"This will get good business for our hotel!" Raphael said.

"That's the spirit!" Zorin said.

"Now may I ask; who are those gentlemen?" Ivy asked.

"Exercise boys… golfing with them provides more realistic training!"

"This author really memorized all the lines from "A View to a Kill" pretty well", Ivy mentioned.

"That's not the point", no one said.

"There it is again!"

"And nobody said Jenny Flex!"

"Of course you are…"

"I hate this vacation", Ivy said to herself.

In town…

Cassandra and Yunsung decided to stop at a Morebucks Coffeehouse to have… coffee.

"This place has wi-fi!" Yunsung said.

"Wow, let's get out my laptop!" Cassandra said mockingly.

"Really?"

"No."

"Anyway…"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORDER UP!" Tira said.

"Since when do you work here?"

"Since that jerk author hasn't put me in the story yet", Tira yelled at the top of her lungs, breaking the coffee cups.

"I think you should clean that up…" Cassandra said.

"I think you should KILL YOURSELF and then I'll lick the blood off the ground!" Tira shrieked.

"Um… let's go somewhere else", Cassandra said, slowly backing toward the door and pushing Yunsung out.

"Mmm… I'm going to eat this glass!" Tira said. "Ooooooooh, what's that taste? Oh I see; its fragments of my tongue; glass and blood. It tastes scrum-diddly-umptious!"

"It's like somebody crossed Strawberry Shortcake with Hannibal Lecter, that girl", Cassandra muttered.

"I was thinking Dora the Explorer with Dracula but I know where we're going with this!"

"What about Barbie and Dr. Phibes?"

"That works… but you could do better."

"Guys, do you know how many stupid disclaimers I have to put in this story because of all these references your making?" the author asked.

"Hey butt out, this story isn't about you, you selfish man!"

"I'm 14…"

"Well, the world doesn't revolve on you, now why don't you stop playing God and let us finish the story!" Cassandra snapped.

"I'm going to start playing as Ivy more now because of this!" The author retorted and ran away crying.

"Oh great…" Cassandra said.

"What?"

"Without him, the story can't go anywhere!" Cassandra said. "Stupid authors… can't live with 'em can't live without 'em."

"True dat, true dat!"

"I don't understand what you said, and I won't respond to it", Cassandra said.

"I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR FACE", Tira yelled, running down the sidewalk.

"RUN!" Cassandra said.

"Looks like the author came back!" Yunsung said as Cassandra and he were running from the bipolar, Hot Topic clad assassin.

"Mmmmmmm… faces… they taste really good with spaghetti sauce and even a little ground cumin!"

"You need help! One thing I don't get… why aren't YOU at the crack addict clinic? You are even more crack addict-esque than TALIM!"

"That's impossible!" Talim said. "No one can out crack addict me! I own a military aircraft and yell out completely random things!"

"Hmm… she has a point. So you are second to Talim in crack addict-ness", Cassandra said.

"KEEP RUNNING; THIS TALKING WON'T STOP ME FROM EATING YOUR YUMMY FACE!"

"Aaaaaaagh!" Cassandra and Yunsung yelled.

"Oooooooooooh, I loooooove resistance, it's just so cooooool", Tira said, in a little kiddish voice.

"Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace-eating, wah wah wah, face eating, it's something she likes to dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, but they don't like to doooooooooooooooooooooooooo", Shirley Bassey sang.

"Thank you Shirley Bassey", Tira said.

"Yooooooooooooou're welcome!"

"Now I'll eat your face!"

And she ate Shirley Bassey's face.

Suddenly, time stopped and faded a bit while a lady with a skeleton face walked toward the screen.

"Hello, my name is Nurse Allen, you may remember me from the cult horror-comedy classic The Abominable Dr. Phibes where Vincent Price dripped green crap all over my face and locusts ate me. Well, I'm here to lecture you about the dangers of face-eating…"

"Nine killed you… nine shall DIE, nine eternities of doom!"

"I have to go!" Nurse Allen said and sped away.

"What is it with this author and quoting movies?" Cassandra asked as the action started again.

"Shh… don't upset him or he'll run away again", Yunsung said.

"Mmmm… that was some good face", Tira said, rubbing her stomach after finishing off one of the best singer's in the world's face.

"Tira, please leave me alone", Cassandra said.

"Ooooooooooh aren't we polite? Politeness leads to DEATH!"

"Alright you psycho, we've had enough of your foul attitude", Yunsung said, drawing White Storm. Cassandra drew the Digamma Sword and raised the Nemea Shield.

"You know moron, you're dealing with a mid-tier and a god-tier character here while your stupid hula hoop thing is only low-mid tier, now run away, or I'll eat YOUR face!" Cassandra threatened.

Tira dropped Aiselne Drossel and ran away crying, similar to what the author did just a few paragraphs ago.

"Bipolar freak!" no one said.

"Will we ever get to find out who no one is?" Cassandra asked.

"In due time", no one replied.

"I hate being alive…" Zasalamel said.

And that's the only time he'll be mentioned in the story.

Back at the resort…

The second hole was on a cliff and there was only a 1 in 1000000000000 chance that the ball would be a hole in one. But, Ivy, being the person that she is, beat the odds and got a hole in one.

Now Raphael will cause her to eat things and develop pica.

"Alright, this time my sweet, I will not totally botch this up", Raphael said.

Ivy ate the score sheet.

"Just hit the ball Raphael…"

However, just as he was about to hit the ball, on the neighboring cliff he saw the statuesque Jenny Flex…

"Of course you are."

…bending down to set her ball on the tee. This caused him to lose his balance and fall off the cliff.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH, IVY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" Raphael screamed as he fell hundreds of feet to a near certain death.

Ivy waited until he hit the ground to take action.

"He should've taken the elevator… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'm so witty", Ivy chuckled to herself and took the elevator to help her husband.

Raphael once again found himself in the infirmary which was not the ideal vacation destination. His wife walked in, to find the doctor reviewing a chart

"Ms. Valentine, I have some bad news, your husband looks like he's dead", the doctor said.

"Oh no…" Ivy muttered, crestfallen.

"Well, I know this might not be the most welcoming news but it's not all bad…"

"WHAT?"

"He merely looks like he's dead, which might not be the best of circumstances but…"

Ivy killed the doctor.

"So dear… is there anything else you'd like to do while we're here?" Ivy asked.

"Well, we could go swimming later and relax in the hot tub. What could be safer than that?"

"Excellent idea!" Ivy said.

"I hope so…" Raphael said.

Back in town…

"Let's visit Sophitia!"

"Okay!"

They knocked on the door of Sophitia's home and she opened it.

"Hello Cassandra, hello Yunsung!" Sophitia said, in her ever so sweet, motherly tone.

"Hi Sophitia!" Cassandra said and they walked into her house.

"I made Avgolemono, would you like any?"  
"I'd love some! Would you like any Yunsung?" Cassandra asked.

"Hmm… considering how I can't spell or pronounce it, of course I'll have it!" Yunsung exclaimed and Sophitia poured them both bowls of it.

"Sophita, I've been thinking… Rothion is always out of town on business, you two never really spend time together…"

"What about when me and him made Pyrrha and Patrokolos?"

Cassandra vomited.

However, Yunsung was fantasizing about what Sophitia looked like without any clothes on which Cassandra immediately picked up on. Cassandra hit Yunsung in the face with her shield in a true Raphael-Ivy fashion.

"Ooooooooooooh, foreshadowing", no one said.

"SHUT UP!" Cassandra yelled. "Anyway Sophitia, maybe it's time you moved on, after all, he's the most useless character in the story, he's never a bonus character and he lost his worth after Soul Edge!"

"I see what you're saying Cassandra… but who on earth would want to marry me?" Sophitia asked.

Suddenly, every Soul Calibur playing male in the world surrounded Sophitia's house.

"Hey, any girls want to marry me?" Yunsung asked, all cocky. And as quick as they came, all the Soul Calibur males left.

"Thank you Yunsung…" Sophitia said. "Anyway, I was thinking about leaving Rothion anyway. You see, I know he's been cheating on me with Setsuka but that's ok, he can have that umbrella obsessed alcoholic, but who I have now is eons ahead of everyone else. Please reveal yourself."

The man stepped out from the shadows.

"Hello… everyone."

_**Who is this mystery man that Sophitia will marry? Will Raphael have another near death experience? Can he further his relationship with the lovely Jenny Flex?**_

"Of course you are."

_**ahem I wasn't done. Will Cassandra and Yunsung break down the sexual tension and go for a permanent relationship? And what has Taki done to Sorel Towers? And when will guests start staying there?**_

_**Find out in the NEXT CHAPTER…**_

_**P.S. PM me your thoughts as to who the lucky man is that is dating Sophitia. I will then post the breakdown of who everyone thinks it is and then reveal who she is really going to take a walk down the aisle with…**_


	8. Such Lovely Lines

"Hello… NEWMAN?" Cassandra asked in bewilderment. "Sis, you're going to marry Newman from Seinfeld?"

"Well sis, I've always heard you talking about how I need a new man, so I took it literally and found Newman at a singles convention."

"Yes, it is so great I found this wonderful woman to complement my greatness. A United States Postal Worker is entitled to this sort of beauty!" Newman said.

Cassandra and Yunsung hated him.

"Oh I'm just joshing, Sophitia and I truly love each other, however, I was just going. Tata, Sophitia!" Newman said and rushed out of her house.

"Newman." Cassandra grunted.

"Now let's not do that…" Sophitia said.

"Sophitia, he's a pig!" Cassandra said.

"No he isn't! Newman and I both love each other and you'll just have to accept that in a few months that I will be Sophitia Newman", Sophitia responded, proudly.

"It doesn't work for you…" Yunsung muttered.

"Well up yours, BIATCH!" Sophitia said.

Cassandra and Yunsung stared in awe.

Sophitia backed into the basement, shut the door and ran away.

"I'm not going to visit her for awhile", Cassandra said.

"I'm avoiding her", Yunsung said. Both of them took off running. Sadly, waiting for them outside was one of the creepiest creeps in the world.

No, not Talim. But Tira the face eater had regained her evilness and decided to go on another rampage and try to have a face feast.

"I'M GONNA EAT YOUR FACE!" she yelled and started running after them.

"Oh not again!"

"More running!"

The resort…

"Nothing can possibly go wrong", Raphael said as he and Ivy made their way to the Olympic pool. "Ivy, why don't we have an Olympic pool?"

"I thought we did!"

"Yeah… where's that author. Hey you, I'm talking to you! You said we had an Olympic pool and now you're having me complain about the lacking of one! Why?!?!?!" he asked, angrily.

"Well, as you can both tell, all the chapters have continuity problems. After I reread the first chapter, it made no sense."

"And what happened to that book I published?" Ivy asked.

"Again… that was going to be incorporated into later chapters but I just don't see how it fits!"

"MAKE IT FIT!" Ivy said, pointing the whip sword at the author.

"AIIIIIIIIIE!" the author screamed but stayed in fear of a Tira attack on the two main characters.

"And I don't want to get hurt this time, you sadist!" Raphael exclaimed.

"We'll see about that…" the author replied ominously.

"Creep…" Ivy muttered.

Raphael and Ivy climbed inside the hot tub, still a bit uneasy about what the author was telling them. Still, they were determined to enjoy the last bits of their vacation nonetheless.

"Wow, normally when we do any activities, my hurt normally occurs within the first few sentences", Raphael said. He relaxed with his wife in the hot tub and actually started to enjoy his trip.

"Raphael?"

"Yes my dear?"

"I'm actually starting to enjoy my trip here", Ivy said.

"Me too, my fair Isabella."

"Oh Raphael, you haven't called me Isabella since… well, I actually don't remember."

"Neither do I…" he said. He was lying. The last time he called her Isabella was the time Cervantes came to the hotel, he said Isabella and almost got killed for it because Cervantes claimed he "tarnished the name" when he said it.

Actually, they were both lying, to tell the truth because Ivy knew Raphael hated talking about that story as he said it threatened his "manliness"

Ivy laughed at the thought.

"What's funny?" Raphael asked.

"Nothing…" Ivy said.

Suddenly, a curvaceous, bronzed Mediterranean woman sprinted toward them and even her attractiveness blew Jenny Flex out of the water.

"Mr. Sorel?"

"Yes?"

"I am Naomi, Mr. Zorin sent me to collect you."

"How do you do, this is my wife Isabella Valentine."

"You're on holiday here?"

"There's a notion, hoteliers are never on holiday", Raphael said. He grabbed Ivy's martini from the side of the tub. "Could I offer you a drink before we go?"

"No thank you, Mr. Zorin is a very busy man, his time is precious!" Naomi replied. She turned around and started walking away.

"I'd love to take a swim with her", Raphael said. Ivy slapped him and they followed her.

"Good evening, Mr. Zorin", Raphael said.

"Hello Mr. Sorel", Zorin replied. "I just wanted to inform you that tomorrow we are having an impromptu dancing competition and wondered if you'd be interested."

"Oh, we'd love to", Ivy said.

"WAIT! Isabella, please don't put words in my mouth. At this said dance… will there be a buffet?"

"Yes."

"Complementary or no?"

"Well… it will be charged to your room", Zorin replied.

"Forget it!"

"Don't listen to him; he didn't take his meds today. We'd love to attend Mr. Zorin", Ivy said.

"But…"

Ivy pinched Raphael the hardest any person could ever pinch someone ever and he fell out of his chair in pain.

"Good, right on shezule", Zorin said.

"What?"

"Shezule."

"What is shezule?"

"No, no… SHEZULE", Zorin said.

"This conversation is pointless. Get up Raphael, we're going back to the hot tub", Ivy said, literally dragging her husband out the door.

"HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!"

Raphael and Ivy strutted back to the Olympic pool.

"I'm going to go swimming Raphael", Ivy said and dove into the pool.

"Have fun dear", Raphael said, waving her in. He took a seat in the hot tub and right when he did, the enticing Jenny Flex…

Everyone was quiet.

Still quiet.

Still quiet.

"Hello, Ms…"

"Of course you are."

"I HATE YOU!" Raphael yelled. Jenny Flex…

"Of course you are."

…was taken aback.

"No, no, Ms. Flex, I wasn't talking about you", Raphael said, in his defense.

"Good to know", Jenny replied, tore off her robe to reveal a very revealing bikini. Raphael shook his head in amazement. Shortly after, the ravishing Naomi…

"Such lovely lines."

…stepped into the tub with her equally revealing bikini, making Raphael dizzy.

"So, what brings you to Chateau Chantilly?" Jenny Flex asked.

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmm…." Raphael stuttered. "RIGHT! My wife… oh what's her name… whatever, my wife and I are here on vacation."

"Sounds fun", Naomi…

"Such lovely lines."

...said.

"Anyway, girls, how's doing you?"

They both giggled.

"I MEAN; how do you do?"

"Fine thank you", they both said giggling. Thankfully, his wife was well out of earshot to hear his unintentional remark.

He looked backward to see a horse trotting by the stables, and being an avid equestrian, he decided to comment.

"That's a beautiful breast", he said to the girls.

"HAHAHAHA", they said, in hysterics.

"I MEAN BEAST!" Raphael said, retaliating.

"No need to apologize, I know they are", Naomi and Jenny Flex said.

"Of course you are; such lovely lines."

"I hate that creep", Jenny said.

"Who doesn't?" the bronzed Mediterranean woman asked. They all giggled, even Raphael which caused both women to giggle more.

"MORE GIGGLING", Raphael said.

There was an awkward silence.

"Ah-hem… well, uh… let me get my drink", Raphael said, reaching across the hot tub. He then slipped and fell on top of a very welcoming Naomi, all while his wife was strutting up to the tub.

"RAPHAEL!" Ivy screamed.

"No dear, it's not what it looks like!"

"I see, so what were you doing Raphael?"

"I was trying to get my drink!"

"Of course you were", Ivy said.

"What did you just say?" Raphael asked.

"Of course you were."

"ARE YOU THE JERK?" Raphael asked.

"No I'm not the jerk, Raphael, you sleazeball, I violently hate the jerk, I mean whenever anyone says the names of THOSE two, then he says his stupid thing!" Ivy retorted.

"Well…"

"I'm going back to our room Raphael and if my mood gets any better the door MIGHT be unlocked if you decide to show yourself", Ivy said, turned on her heel and walked away.

"Looks like your wife is mad at you", Jenny said in an unsympathetic tone.

"Well, she tends to get mad at me a lot. Strangely enough, she didn't hurt me this time…"

"Jenny and I were thinking you could come to my room later… if that's alright with you", Naomi…

"Such lovely lines."

…said, smiling seductively.

"Um… ok", Raphael said, sheepishly. The two continued to giggle and left the hot tub, walking away together arm and arm. Raphael then leaned on the temperature controls, pushing the heat up to as far as it could go.

"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Raphael screamed. He started running around like a maniac, sprinting up the steps to the high dive and jumped off, hoping to cool himself off. In fact, the "high dive" he climbed was a closed down concession area, which overlooked the three foot area of the pool.

"Mr. Sorel", the doctor said nervously.

"Why are you afraid?"

"Um… your wife killed two of my colleagues", he responded.

"True, but she's mega pissed at me right now, so she won't be here!"

"But we will be", Jenny and the bronzed Mediterranean woman said, seductively.

"Okay", the doctor said, and left.

"You look hurt Raphael… why don't we make that hurt go away", they said, like the temptresses they are.

"If you insist", Raphael smiled boyishly.

A few hours later…

"Wow…" Raphael said in awe. "Ivy does the dominatrix thing with me all the time, so that was quite a change of pace!"

"We hoped so", Naomi and Jenny said.

"Of course…"

"SHUT UP!"

"Now, isn't it true you have a Soul Edge shard in your possession?" Jenny asked.

"Well, I have a fragment."

"We thought so", they said and pulled out two pistols.

"GUNS SUCK!" Mitsurigi randomly said.

"SHUT UP!"

"What's this all about?" Raphael asked helplessly.

"You buffoon, the only reason we wanted to be with you is because that Soul Edge shard will get us back to our century!"  
"Um… technically, are we even IN a specific century?" Raphael asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean, we've combined some 16th century elements with some modern day ones, so I've always thought the story took place in a "timeless" setting", Raphael said.

"WHO CARES, I want to get home and fly my helicopters!"

"But there's a helicopter here!"

"I WANT TO GET HOME AND THE ONLY WAY THAT'S GOING TO WORK IS FOR YOU TO FORK OVER THE SOUL EDGE SHARD!" Jenny said.

"And if I refuse to give it to you?"

"Then we'll take it from you by force, we know where you work and we'll turn the place upside down if we have to!"

"Well then, let the games begin!"

"Alright, you asked for it!" they both said pointing their guns at him.

"Hey wh…"

Suddenly, Talim flew her C130 Hercules by, bleeping out the swear word.

"Nobody beats up my husband, no matter what kind of jerk he is!" Ivy said, holding out the Valentine at them.

"Oh, and what are you going to do about it, old woman?" Jenny asked.

"THIS!"

She thrust the sword into the ground and the links of the sword flew everywhere, mainly concentrating on Jenny Flex.

"Of course you are."

They tore Jenny up and when Ivy flung her sword down, she flung Jenny out the window of the infirmary. She went into whip state, and swung the whip over her head, and started whipped Naomi five times with her whip, flung her into the air, pulled her back down with Ivy Lick and kicked her out the window.

"Knockout! Bitc…"

Talim's plane flies by

"…hes lose! IVY WINS!"

"Enjoy your glorious defeat!" Ivy said.

"Isabella, I…"

Ivy held a hand up.

"Raphael, no matter how much of a manwhore you are, I still love you… to a degree", Ivy said.

"Oh thank you dear, even if you did just earn the fic a T rating", Raphael said.

"Mr. Sorel… I just wanted to check…", the doctor said, walking in with his reports. When he saw Ivy however, to avoid being killed, he just jumped out the window and fell to his death.

"I wonder why he did that…" Ivy asked herself.

Raphael rolled his eyes.

At the hotel…

The phone rang.

It kept ringing.

This is when the author realized Cassandra and Yunsung weren't at the hotel and that only the unconscious Link and Taki were there and since a table can't stand on one leg, we won't focus on it.

Wherever the heck Cassandra and Yunsung are…

Cassandra's cell phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey sis, this is your sis."

"No duh", Cassandra said.

"DON'T MAKE ME PULL OUT A CAN OF WHOOPASS ON YOU!" Sophitia screamed. Cassandra hung up.

Her phone rang again and she picked up.

"Hello psycho", Cassandra said.

"GIRL PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ…"

Cassandra hung up.

Her phone rang again and she picked up…

"Guess what I found out about Mariah Carey from Star Jones on The View?"

"What?"

"She's definitely a black lahahahahahahady!"

Cassandra hung up.

Her phone, of course, rang again and she picked up.

"Girl, I look too cute today to go off on you don't you even worry about it", Sophitia said. Then she started impersonating Raven-Symone.

Cassandra hung up.

Her phone rang again and this time, Ivy randomly came out of nowhere and ate it, then ran back to the resort.

"Well, now it's her problem", Cassandra said.

A payphone rang, Cassandra picked it up.

"Sorry for being weird, but I wanted to tell you that Newman and I are going to participate in a dance contest at the Chateau Chantilly", Sophitia said. "We're on our way now!"

"Oh, did you get someone to watch the kids?"

"Yes, lovely girl. She had this weird obsession with eating faces though, but what the heck! She'll work for cheap AND it seems interesting!"

"Sophitia, you idiot, that's Tira the girl who wants to "play with your children"." Cassandra said.

"Eww…"

"No she's not like that! Well, she might be actually, but she wants to take them over and they'll be Soul Edge's host!" Cassandra said worriedly.

"Well dear", Newman said, who took the phone. "It's now become your problem and not ours, ta-ta, Cassandra!"

He hung up the phone.

"Newman!"

"We all hate him", Yunsung said.

"Now it's time for me to save the day", Cassandra said. "Come on Yunsung, we're off to Sophitia's house!"

They got to Sophitia's house and kicked the door down.

"She's not going to be happy, that was hand-carved mahogany that her former jerk husband gave her", Cassandra said. She and Yunsung then repeatedly spit on it and stopped when they heard Tira's creepy laughter.

"She's in the basement!" Cassandra said, running down the stairs with her sword drawn.

"Were you thinking you could win? Oh I'm sorry!" Cassandra said.

"Yeah, what she said!" Yunsung said.

_**How will the dance contest play out? Has Tira turned the kids into Soul Edge fanatics? When are those alleged Soul Edge fanatics going to visit the hotel? Will this plot ever be coherent and make sense? (probably not). Anyway, find out in the NEXT CHAPTER!**_


	9. I don't know what to call this chapter!

"Nope, I think Patrokolos pretty much as the game in the bag. Go ahead", Tira said to the child.

"I think it was Major Relish in the Office with the dagger!" Patrokolos said.

"Leeeeeeeeeeeeet's see", Tira said, pulling out the cards from the case file. "Looks like we have a WINNER!"

Both kids started jumping with glee and the microwave timer went off.

"Those must be the cookies!"

"Chocolate chip?" the kids asked hopefully.

"What else?" Tira asked, happily and they all scurried up the stairs. However, Yunsung and Cassandra stopped Tira.

"What do you think you're doing?" Cassandra asked.

"I told your sister that I wanted to play with her children but she wouldn't let me, so I offered to babysit her kids under the name of a false agency called Miss Misu's Babysitting Service."

"Who's Miss Misu?" Yunsung asked.

"Me!"

"Well, I didn't see THAT coming", Cassandra said, rolling her eyes. "Anyway Tira, today's a Monday, shouldn't you be in school right now?"

"Oh…" Tira said, frowning. "Yeah…"

"Well, I can drive you, in between the chapters the author decided to give me a 1991 Ford Tempo, so I'll take you back", Cassandra said, leading Tira up the stairs.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING TIRA?" the kids asked sadly. "Thea Cassandra, why are you taking Tira away?"

"Tira has to go back to school", Cassandra replied shortly and led Tira toward the door.

"But we were going to play 2626 No Outlet Lane!" Pyrrha protested.

"I'm sorry, remember, school? And wait, you two have to be in school too!" Cassandra realized. "My sister is the crappiest parent…"

All five people squeezed inside the Ford Tempo, and Cassandra dropped off Pyrrha and Patrokolos at their elementary school, which thankfully started in three minutes.

However, the high school had already been going for an hour, so Cassandra had to drop Tira off in the office.

"Hello miss", the secretary said. "Here to drop someone off?"

"Yeah… this is Tira, she's supposed to be here right now."

"Oh, you again!" the secretary snapped. "Another one of these and you'll be expelled, mark my words."

"Pfft", Tira muttered.

"Send her in!" the principal's voice said over the phone.

"Principal Jerkface will see you now", the secretary said.

"Thank you miss…"

"Olga Krohn."

"And she's an old one at that…" Tira whispered to Cassandra.

"DON'T YOU START WITH ME!"

Cassandra and Tira went into Principal Jerkface's office and had a seat at his round table.

"CASSANDRA ALEXANDRA!" Principal Jerkface said.

"Hello Principal Jerkface", Cassandra said.

"How have you been?" he asked.

"Never better", she replied. He looked coldly over at Tira.

"Miss Misu, it would be wise if you could learn to be more like Cassandra. She was the star student of this high school, the captain of the soccer and cheerleading teams, captain of the varsity dance team, student council president, participant in the foreign exchange program and voted "Most Likely to Succeed" by her fellow students. She also never missed ONE day of school in her entire four years", Principal Jerkface said, triumphantly.

"Fine, I don't care. Can I just go to class now?"

"Get out of my sight", Principal Jerkface said. Tira moped out of the room and into the school.

"What's wrong with Tira?"

"She constantly misses school, is failing most of her classes, and won't involve herself at all in any extracurricular activities."

"Oh, that's so sad…"

"What?"

"Well, I don't think Tira is exactly the most _social_ person in the world. You see Principal Jerkface, she's bipolar", Cassandra said.

"Now, let's not bring sexual orientation into this conversation."

"This is pointless", Cassandra said, left the office and spit at Ms. Krohn.

"This is the twentieth time today!" Ms. Krohn yelled. She walked out to the grounds where she saw the Dance-Gym class was out on the lawn practicing their moves, and it looked like their quality had declined over the past years.

"That looks like the dance of death!" Cassandra chuckled. Then the thought occurred to her. Despite being one of the most mentally unstable people she knew, Tira was probably one of the best dancers ever, maybe second to Voldo. She then looked over to see that the small 20 minute breakfast block was occurring, where she saw boys and girls laughing and talking while Tira sat away from them all, nibbling on a cookie she managed to grab from Sophitia's microwave.

"Ha! Hey guys, let's throw things at Tira!" one of the girls said and soon everyone was throwing their wrappers, lunchboxes and other items at the hapless girl. This caused Tira to run away crying.

"HAHAHAHA!" they all laughed and high-fived each other.

"And that outfit. UGLY!" one of the girls said.

Suddenly, the girl who Cassandra had despised was now someone she truly and deeply felt sorry for.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING!"

"What was that?" the author asked, freaked out.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHORING!"

"Who are you?"

"It's us, the collective readers! Is this a humor/parody fic or is it a LIFETIME MOVIE?"

"I'm setting up a subplot!"  
"Oh you and your subplots, how many do you have? 12 MILLION?"

"Well actually, last I counted…"

"SILENCE! Make the fic funny again!"

"Okay, going to Raphael and Ivy is always fun", the author said.

At the resort…

Raphael woke up next to his wife.

"LIFETIME!" the readers yelled.

"Okay, "At the resort" take two!" the author said.

Raphael woke up feeling all sorts of pain and agony. AND he had to do the stupid dance contest. Worst of all, he had to indirectly pay for that buffet!

"And as long as my name is Raphael Achille Sorel, I will NOT pay for that buffet!"

"Oh, shut your trap dear", Ivy said, also waking up. "It's for a good cause!"

"Haven't you ever seen that movie? The man wants to sink Silicon Valley and kill Jenny Flex in the process!"

"Of course you are."

"We aren't going to mention that Irish wh…"

Talim's plane

"…ever again. Do you understand me?"  
"Maybe", Raphael said playfully. Ivy thrust her sword a centimeter away from his neck.

"Yes, yes, yes", Raphael said, nervously.  
"That's what I thought", Ivy remarked. Suddenly, she heard a car pull up to the gate. She scurried over to the balcony, which is quite an accomplishment since she's wearing high heels. A badly beaten Jenny Flex…

"Of course you are."

…in an almost full body cast crutched over toward the car.

"What happened to you?" the driver asked.

"Well, you can tell from the full body cast…"

"Oh, I'm sorry that I asked."

"Well, you did everything you could", Jenny replied.

"Like any decent person would", Pan Ho said.

"Sinjin-Smythe, my dear."

"And who might you be?" Jenny asked.

"I'm Sophitia Alexandra, and this is my fiancée Newman."

"NEWMAN?" Raphael yelled in anguish.

"You know him?"

"Yes… terrible story", Raphael said.

Long ago…

Raphael was in college at the Generic College of France when a knock was heard on his dorm room. This was surprising since no one, not even his roommate, ever came to visit him.

"What do you want?" Raphael yelled.

"Special delivery!" the mailman said, in his oh-so-sweet tone of voice. Raphael rolled his eyes and walked over to the door to open it revealing Newman.

"Hello… Newman", Raphael sneered.

"Hello Raphael", Newman said, cheerily.

"What do you want?"

"To give you this, it's from the engineering team", Newman said. Raphael opened the box to reveal a bomb.

"This is because I dumped Sophitia isn't it?" Raphael asked.

"It might be", Newman said with a voice of evil. Raphael angrily took the package and threw it on his sofa.

"You are such an idiot!"

Present Day…

"And that's why I hate Newman", Raphael said. Ivy walked back in the room with her toothbrush.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't listening", Ivy said.

"Here, I'll tell it again."

Long ago…

Raphael was in college at the Generic College of France when a knock was heard on his dorm room. This was surprising since no one, not even his roommate, ever came to visit him.

"What do you want?" Raphael yelled.

"Special delivery!" the mailman said, in his oh-so-sweet tone of voice. Raphael rolled his eyes and walked over to the door to open it revealing Newman.

"Hello… Newman", Raphael sneered.

"Hello Raphael", Newman said, cheerily.

"What do you want?"

"To give you this, it's from the engineering team", Newman said. Raphael opened the box to reveal a bomb.

"This is because I dumped Sophitia isn't it?" Raphael asked.

"It might be", Newman said with a voice of evil. Raphael angrily took the package and threw it on his sofa.

"You are such an idiot!"

"What do you think dear?" Raphael asked.

"Sorry, I was listening to a song on my eCubby, tell me the story one more time", Ivy said.

"Fine…"

Long ago…

Raphael was in college at the Generic College of France when a knock was heard on his dorm room. This was surprising since no one, not even his roommate, ever came to visit him.

"What do you want?" Raphael yelled.

"Special delivery!" the mailman said, in his oh-so-sweet tone of voice. Raphael rolled his eyes and walked over to the door to open it revealing Newman.

"Hello… Newman", Raphael sneered.

"Hello Raphael", Newman said, cheerily.

"What do you want?"

"To give you this, it's from the engineering team", Newman said. Raphael opened the box to reveal a bomb.

"This is because I dumped Sophitia isn't it?" Raphael asked.

"It might be", Newman said with a voice of evil. Raphael angrily took the package and threw it on his sofa.

"You are such an idiot!"

"And your response is…" Raphael asked.

"Sorry, I was putting on my dress for our dance routine today could you…"

"NO!"

"Jeesh, don't get so touchy, my idiotic spouse, now let's go to the courtyard!"

Back in town…

Tira was leaving school when all of the sudden one of the students got a random garbage truck and dumped all of its contents on her. The quarterback of the football team got out of the truck and started laughing at her.

"Haha, freaky emo bitch!" he laughed.

"HEY!" someone yelled.

He turned around to see a rapidly approaching Cassandra Alexandra running at him.

"Woah, a hot blonde girl, don't worry, there's plenty of…"

Cassandra delivered a sharp kick to his chest, driving him to his knees and executed her left directional throw on him.

"HAHAHA!" she laughed, smashing her shield into his head and removing the Spine Blade from his leg. She charged and slashed at him horizontally and went Gaia Quake on him.

"Owwwwwwwwwwwwww", he complained and collapsed from all the injuries.

"Tira!" Cassandra yelled.

She went through all the garbage to find a helpless, crying Tira.

"Tira, are you okay?" Cassandra asked.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…"

"Oh… where am I?" the quarterback asked, and Cassandra threw her shield into his face and it swiveled back to her like a boomerang.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…"

"Okay, stop crying", Cassandra said.

"They're all mean!" Tira sobbed.

"It's because you don't involve yourself, Tira", Cassandra replied. "Why don't you try anything?"

"Because I think they'll be mean and laugh at me!" Tira said.

"No, you just have to try! Tell you what, why don't you go out for the dance team? I know you're a wonderful dancer."

"Really?"

"Yes, in fact, today, tryouts conveniently start!"

"Will you put in a good word for me?"

"A GOOD WORD? HOW ABOUT A GREAT WORD?" Cassandra yelled, sounding so cheerful that the world was about to ooze sugar.

"What the hell?" Tira asked relating to the past sentence.

Cassandra slapped her.

"DON'T USE THAT LANGUAGE!"

"And they say I'M bipolar", Tira rolled her eyes.

"DO YOU WANT THE GREAT WORD OR NOT?" Cassandra yelled, in a random fit of rage.

"I want the GREAT WORD!"

"Another lesson from the Book of Mormon", no one said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Cassandra yelled and stabbed Principal Jerkface's car with her sword.

The hotel…

Taki stood in the lobby drinking a cup of sake while Link lay unconscious behind the reception desk. Suddenly, Yunsung walked in and screamed.

"AGH! You idiot, you made me drop my sake!" Taki yelled. However, Taki jumped over him and grabbed the cup of sake before it hit the ground, because she's that amazing. "Now what's your problem?"  
"This hotel looks HORRIBLE!"

"What's wrong with it?"  
"It's like a bastardized version of a Greek palace, the Seung dojo and a kid's room all spliced together!"  
"Well, it's the plans I was given!" Taki said.

"Give me those plans!"

Taki reluctantly handed the folders over, when Yunsung opened them to find that the plans she was given were Cassandra's plans to remodel Sophitia's house, his remodeling plans for the Seung dojo, and Pyrrha and Patrokolos's room.

"This is insane! When Ms. Valentine finds out about this, she is going to be SO mad!"

At the chateau…

Raphael and Ivy just finished their dance which was after Sophitia & Newman's and after Rothion & Setsuka's.

"The nerve of that man to show up at this place!" Sophitia spat.

"Honey dearest, I honestly wish you wouldn't spit on me like that!" Newman said, wiping his suit off with a napkin from the buffet.

"Just eat it Raphael", Ivy said, exasperatedly.

"NO! Zorin said if we don't eat anything that we won't have to pay for the buffet."

"Stop being moronic Raphael, here move, I'm going to eat that devilled egg", Ivy said, reaching for the food. Raphael slapped his sword onto her wrist.

"Would you like this hand cut off?" Raphael asked.

"Would you like to come to bed tonight?"

"Grr… don't eat that!"

Ivy took the devilled egg from the tray.

"You wouldn't…"

Ivy lifted it toward her mouth.

"Stop dear no!"

Ivy opened her mouth and licked her lips in that kinky way she does things.

"IT COSTS MONEY!"

Ivy plopped it in her mouth and chewed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Shut up dear", Ivy said, taking a napkin and wiping her mouth.

"Now, with great pleasure I'm going to present the awards", Zorin said. "Please wait while my lovely assistant Jenny Flex brings up the envelope."

"Of course you are…"

"SHUT IT!" Zorin yelled. "Anyway… we're waiting."

Flex slowly crutched toward the podium carrying the envelope in her mouth.

"Still waiting."

Flex stopped for a minute to catch her breath.

"Waiting…"

Flex kept on going, but moved slower than before.

"Choice for you… is the view to a kill", Zorin hummed to himself.

Flex stopped again.

"THAT'S IT!" Zorin yelled at the top of his lungs. He ran over to Jenny Flex, snatched the envelope out of her mouth and kicked her over.

"AAAAAGH! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

"Anyway… the winner is… Raphael Sorel and Isabella Valentine!" Zorin yelled.

Ivy clutched her husband by the wrist and literally dragged him over to Zorin to accept their trophy.

"It's common that our winners give a small speech!" Zorin said.

"Ah, hello everyone, my name is Ivy Valentine", Ivy said. "And I just want to say, that this vacation has been fun except for my husband's bouts of idiocy!"

Ivy then recounted all the idiotic things that Raphael had ever done while they knew each other which took all of a day to complete.

"And that's why he's so cheap I think, so cheap that he has affairs with Irish floozies!"

"I thought the Scottish were…"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER! JENNY FLEX IS A HOMEWRECKER!"  
"Of course you are", no one said, but he wouldn't be no one for long.

"IT'S YOU!" Ivy yelled.

"It is!" no one said. He ripped off the cloak to reveal that he was in fact Sir Roger Moore, star of the James Bond movies for twelve years (including the one being spoofed here), Simon Templar on 'The Saint' and Lord Brett Sinclair in the comedy 'The Persuaders'!

"The name is Moore, Roger Moore", he said.

"Oh Roger Moore…" Ivy said crossing over to him in a sultry manner.

"And she yells at ME for having affairs", Raphael said, rolling his eyes.

"Where were you anyway?" Ivy asked him.

"Well, Zorin locked me up in the basements but I managed to tap into the intercom system and send out annoying messages whenever certain names were said!"

"Oh, it was a good plan it drove us all crazy!"

"Speaking of drove, you better all drive out of here."

"Why?"

"Because the makeshift bomb I made in the basement is about to explode in six minutes."

"The same six minutes you gave me?" Alec Trevelyan asked.

"TALK TO PIERCE BROSNAN ABOUT IT NOT ME!" Roger Moore yelled. "Anyway… panic!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" everyone yelled. Raphael ran for the Aston Martin and jumped in. He pulled off the keys and drove away.

Ivy, not far behind went to her parking space, and found that her husband was missing.

"Raph—ae…ELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!" Ivy shouted at the top of her lungs that all the windows in the estate shattered.

_**Sorry for the delay.**_

_**Will Ivy escape the estate? What will she and Raphael think of the designs? How will Tira's bid for the dance team go? Why is Sophitia a bad parent? Find out in the next chapter!**_


	10. Dancing and Destruction

"WHAT IS THIS?"

"Well sir, I can explain…" Yunsung tried.

"NO! NO! NO! First my wife is going to kill me for abandoning her at the exploding chateau and now she's going to kill me AGAIN for ruining the hotel!!!!! WHY? WOE IS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO GAVE HER THE WRONG PLANS?"

Unluckily for Link, he walked out of the dining room at the moment Raphael assumed Link gave Taki the wrong plans.

"YOU PINHEADED PIXIE, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" Raphael yelled and started slashing away mercilessly at Link with the Queen's Guard.

"Mr. Sorel, stop it, it'll be all fine!"

"NO IT WILL NOT! Ivy is going to be back soon, and the hotel is a disaster zone, WE HAVE TO FIX IT!"

"Stop yelling!"

"I CAN'T STOP YELLING, I HAVE TO GIVE MYSELF A PREVIEW OF WHAT IVY WILL DO TO ME!"

"Don't panic! We can stall her!"

"STALL HER? WE DON'T EVEN…"

Yunsung picked up the coffee mug from the reception desk, even though it looked more like a futon now, and hit Raphael over the head with it.

"Thanks, I needed that… but anyway, we don't even know where she is! How are we going to stall her?"

"We break the tram car!"

"BRILLIANT!" Raphael yelled. "You get a pay raise!"

"Oh boy, anything above the dollar a month you're paying me now would be wonderful", Yunsung said, rolling his eyes. He was glad he had his job at Seung Mina's Sportsplex as the Ball Boy/Unofficial Target that paid a more fair wage, as both jobs entailed the same amount of physical and emotional stress.

"Okay, but first we need a better builder", Yunsung said.

"No wait! We just give Taki the real plans and say she was wrong and she won't charge us for the "put it right" deal!"

"NO! She screwed this up I won't trust her with it! Also do you see how uneven the paint is? And how rickety looking the walls are? I'm surprised this place isn't just going to collapse!"

And with their luck, it did.

Raphael peeked his head up from the debris.

"Well this might be a more daunting task than I thought…" Raphael said, calm for once, at the most inappropriate time to be calm.

"HOW ARE WE GOING TO REPLACE THE BUILDING?" Yunsung yelled, now being the irrational one.

"Ingenuity!" Raphael said, cockily.

"INGENUITY? INGENUITY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Yunsung screeched. "YOU CRAZY MAN, THE WHOLE HOTEL IS GONE! IT'S DONE! GONE GONE GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Suddenly, they heard a yelling voice from down below.

"THAT'S IT! The crack addict clinic hasn't got enough funding so I'm deciding to abandon it! GOOD RIDDANCE!" Maxi yelled and stormed out of the crack addict clinic while the addicts broke out and ran amok across the town.

"The crack addict place! Did you know that it was conveniently designed to have the same exterior and floor plan as the old hotel?"

"So?"

"So, we just move it up here!"

"MOVE A HOUSE? THAT'S LUDICROUS!"

"Well I know we can do it!"

"HOW?"

"With ingenuity."

"Ugh…"

The High School…

"Alright, the dance auditions are in here", Cassandra said, walking up to the gym door with Tira in tow. They both walked in to find all of the dancers practicing their sword techniques because at the fictional high school in the SC universe everyone had to pick a discipline.

"Like, ohmygosh, it's Cassandra Alexandra!" one of the dance girls said and soon they stampeded toward the two women.

"Hi Cassandra, I'm like, my name like, is like, Heather Heatherton",

"And I'm like Lindsey Lindsor!"

"And I'm like Michelle Michaels!"

"And I'm Ellen Franco!"

There was an awkward silence.

"She's a bit of a rebel", Heather explained. "But ohmygod, I like, never thought I would meet the legendary Cassandra Alexandra!!!!!!!!! We all even like, practice your style!"

The girls then started prancing around ineptly in a makeshift form of Cassandra.

"Wow, these girls make my sister in Soul Calibur 2 look like a good fighter", Cassandra muttered under her breath.

"Like wha? Cassandra, don't hate us!"

"I was just kidding! LOL!" Cassandra said.

"L-O-L!!!!!!!!!" all the girls chorused.

"Anyway girls, I have someone I want to introduce to you, since I know you're having auditions. She's a great dancer and I think she'd be great on the team!" Cassandra explained. "Here is Miss Tira Misu!"

"EW! That is D-I-S-… Um… D-I-S-G-U… an S? I don't know! NO! Cassandra, we love and respect you, but HER? SHE IS SO TOTALLY GRODY!" Heather complained.

"Heather, when I was dance team captain, I was opened minded to EVERYONE, so please give her a chance!"

"Fine, come on girls!"

Tira went through her exhibition video, went through many of her more acrobatic moves, threw her hoop into the air and dove through it, flying for a moment, breakdancing and then catching the hoop. She then got up and took a bow.

"LIKE OHMYGOD, Tira, you're totally disgusting, but you're like, awesomey cool! We just need to give you a makeover and you'll be fine!" Heather said. "In fact, you're a better dancer than me, so why don't you be captain?"

"Oh wow? Really? It feels great to be loved!" Tira said. "Thanks Cassandra!"

"No problem, but I expect to see improvement when I attend the next pep rally!" Cassandra said and left the high school. "I wonder what the hotel is like without me…"

In town…

"No."

"But why Talim? We really need your plane!"

"Because I said no. Only I use my plane! NOT NOBODY ELSE USES MY PLANE! NOT UNLESS THEY WANT TO FEEL THE PAAAAAAAAAIN!" Talim shrieked.

"Talim PLEASE we really need it!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO! LET HIM GO! BISMILLAH! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO! LET HIM GOOOOOOOOOOO! BISMILLAH! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO! LET ME…"

"Well this is pointless!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!" Talim boomed. "First you must do two things, beat me in a game of checkers, and then score me some more crack."

"HOW WOULD WE KNOW WHERE TO GET CRACK?" Yunsung and Raphael yelled.

"Kilik sells it behind Seung Mina's Sportsplex at 4:45-7:00 every day, if you go early enough, he offers it at a lower price, here's some money", Talim said, handing them thousands upon thousands of dollars.

"Where did you get all this money?"

"I robbed your hotel once, if I recall your safe was open…"

Flashback Sequence…

Raphael was miserable.

Why was he miserable you ask? It was the worst time of year for him, New Years Eve, the last few days of the year, made into the longest and absolute worst worst worst ever. It was always the time of year when Ivy's father would come to visit and constantly harass Raphael.

Firstly Cervantes _hated_ Raphael. Actually hated is an understatement, he _loathed, despised, detested, abhorred, couldn't stand, was execrated, disdained, disparaged, scorned and disgusted by _Raphael. He also said he developed an allergic reaction and nausea while in his presence.

Raphael never knew _why_ Cervantes hated him so. The truth was Raphael's constant question asking about Cervantes and Soul Edge tired him, as he had left those days behind and didn't want to here about them, plus, Raphael just annoyed him.

"Yeargh, matey! Why must lunch be served so late, me hardey?" Cervantes screamed while barging into the office Raphael was hiding in.

"Cervantes, I told…"

"THAT'S MR. DE LEON, TO YOU!"

"_Mr. De Leon, _I told…"

"NO! I'm changing it, you are to call me CAPTAIN DE LEON, now!"

"_Captain De Leon, _I told…"

"NOPE! I'm changing it again! You are to call me CERVANTES, MASTER OF ALL THAT IS AMAZING!"

"_Cervantes, Master of All That…"_

"NOPE!"

This went on for about an hour, long after lunch started serving, and Cervantes finally decided on the name that Raphael wanted to call him.

"_Badass Pirate Dude with the two swords that kicks all sissy French fencers ass that defiles his family name_, lunch started twenty minutes ago!"

"WHAT? LAD! WHY DO YE TRICK ME, LANDLUBBER?"

"I WASN'T TRICKING YOU OLD MAN! I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME BUT YOU WERE LIKE "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO… CALL ME COUNT OF THE NETHER REALM" IT WAS INANE!"

"Yeargh, you better have what me wants in the mess hall. Argh!" Cervantes said and stormed out of the room. After he stormed out, Ivy stormed in.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"I'm hiding from your father that's what I'm doing!"

"Raphael, there's a lot to be done, Yunsung had to leave to get more ingredients so you'll have to take over cooking!"

"WHAT? Why can't you do it?"

"A. Because I'm too pretty, and B. The English can't cook!"

"Ivy, you're Spanish!"

"Oh, don't go pulling that card on me again mister, you know perfectly well I was raised with English ideals, specifically the one where we suck at cooking! Now GO or I'll force you!"

"Wait, Cassandra's Greek, they're amazing cooks!"

"She also had to go temporarily, she had to pick up Pyrrha and Patrokolos from kindergarten because Sophitia's off on a couples therapy retreat with Rothion", Ivy said. "Now stop making up excuses and go!"

"But your father wants food!"

"So?"

"SO?! If he finds out I cooked it, he'll do anything he can to find a flaw in the meal!"

"Oh don't be a baby it will be fine, now hurry up, the guests are getting impatient!" Ivy said.

"Oh…………. Fine."

Raphael ran down the stairs as his wife rolled her eyes. He sprang into the kitchen to find Cervantes waiting for him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Why are you here?"

"Yeargh, me was mighty impatient and I be deciding to have a look at the kitchen, and the chef isn't here. Where be the scurvy mongrel? Argh."

"Um… he's outside!"

"Yeargh, I'll go take a look!"

"NO! He doesn't like people looking at him when he's outside!"

"YEARGH! What kind of crap are ye feeding me you lily-livered pansy?" Cervantes cursed.

"It's a phobia, uh…"

"Raphael, why aren't you cooking?"

"WHAT?"

"Daddy, Raphael is going take over the cooking today", Ivy said.

"Why……." Raphael whined toward his wife who just rolled her eyes.

"Harr harr harr", Cervantes laughed as he exited the kitchen.

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"

"Raphael, I swear if you…"

"SEE WHAT HE DID? DID YOU SEE THAT LOOK HE…"

"RAPHAEL!"

Raphael stopped talking.

"You're being foolish, stop overreacting, it will be fine, just produce a quality meal and he shouldn't care!"

"YOU DON'T…"

"Yes I do, now get to it!"

"But…"

"RAPHAEL!"

He jumped backwards, Ivy left and he donned his cooking stuff. Ivy walked back in with the orders.

"Here, please don't screw up", Ivy said and sulked out of the kitchen.

"Alright then, so he wants, Chili Con Carne and a side salad", Raphael said to himself. Very carefully he mixed all the ingredients into a pot and began to cook.

"PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!"

Raphael looked around, befuddled.

"I am befuddled!" Raphael yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Moron…" Ivy muttered from the dining room.

"Yarr, why did ye be marrying he?" Cervantes asked his daughter. "Ye coulda married the optician."

"Dad, the optician turned out to be gay!"

"Yarr, I think it's only a matter of time before this French fruitcup does too", Cervantes cursed.

"Eh, possibly", Ivy shrugged and continued eating her salad.

Back in the Kitchen…

"PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!"

"WHO IS THAT?" Raphael yelled.

"It's me, Yunsung!" said "Yunsung".

"Yunsung, your voice sounds oddly high pitched today", Raphael said stepping outside when he was quickly caught and tied up by the assailant.

"YOU?" Raphael asked.

"Me!" Talim said. "Now, is your safe unlocked?"

"Yes! I MEAN…"

"Thanks", Talim said, and ran into the office to steal the money.

"NOOOOOOO! COME BACK AND UNTIE ME!" Raphael said, unable to move his arms or legs. "Oh no, the soup!"

"Grr… well, it has at least 5 minutes left to cook", Raphael guessed. He started flopping toward it but couldn't grab it off the stove. Glancing at his watch, it looked like he had wasted three and a half minutes.

"A minute and a half to stop the soup!"

Raphael jumped next to the knives and tried to get one out of the case, but it wasn't working. Finally he settled for Flambert, which he lied on the table when Ivy dragged him into the kitchen. The soup at this point was boiling, and was almost simmering over the top of the pot.

"NO!! I CAN STOP IT!" Raphael yelled.

Suddenly, the doors to the kitchen burst open revealing a very impatient Cervantes and a disgruntled Ivy.

"Raphael, what is the pro…"

Raphael, at the shock of seeing Ivy and Cervantes in the doorway kicked the stove and the Chili Con Carne splattered all over both of them and the pot hit Cervantes in the head.

"Raph…ae…ELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!" Ivy screamed.

"Dear you don't understand I…"

"Shut up! I'm going to get my purse and beat you with it!" Ivy said walking to the safe, and to her chagrin, nothing was there.

"RAPHAEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ivy yelled.

End Flashback…

"It's all your fault you little crack monkey!" Raphael scoffed.

"Oooh I don't know if I can give you the plane now!" Talim smirked.

"YOU MUST GIVE US THE PLANE!" Raphael and Yunsung chorused.

"BUT I CAN'T GIVE YOU THE PLANE!" Talim whined.

"YOU MUST GIVE US THE PLANE!"

"BUT I CAN'T GIVE YOU THE PLANE!"

"YOU MUST GIVE US THE PLANE!"

"BUT I CAN'T GIVE YOU THE PLANE!"

"WHY NOT?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"Because it's being repaired!" Talim said. Raphael and Yunsung looked blankly at her.

"Where… is… it?"

"Down under, Charade is working on it."

"Can we see?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease", Yunsung whined.

"Fine, just you but not him!"

"What?" Raphael asked angrily.

"It's okay, I know what I'm doing!" Yunsung said, reassured and followed Talim down to the hangar, where he saw Charade in this makeshift repairman outfit that exposed his eye and "head".

"Hey Charade!" Yunsung waved. Charade gestured and went back to work.

"A Hercules C-130 and my random gigantic, industrial fan!" Talim said, moving her hands toward the aircraft. "My dad purchased it for me for no reason. Did you know my family is enormously wealthy?"

"I didn't…" Yunsung said.

"Well we were going to test it out right now, the keys are in the ignition and everything!" Talim said.

"Great!" Yunsung said, walking up to Charade and his tool-cart. He picked up a wrench from the cart and threw it into Charade's eye which sent him staggering backwards into the wind generator lever, turning it on and sending gigantic gusts of wind throughout the hangar.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Talim screeched as she was flung against the wall. Yunsung got into the cockpit and started the plane. The enormous rotors sputtered to life and the plane escaped the hangar. He flew over Raphael who was knocked over by the wind.

"Need a ride?" Yunsung called. Raphael nodded in awe and climbed up the rope ladder that Yunsung threw down. He then hooked onto the house and flew it toward the wreckage while some random orchestra somewhere played a brassy "They did it" tune. Carefully, he dropped it atop the blown-away heap of rubble and hovered there for a minute.

"Um… Mr. Sorel?"

"Yes Yunsung?"

"What are we going to do with this plane?"

"Hmm… good point, I… I don't know to tell you the truth, because I'm sure you don't want to go see Talim and Charade again after the highjinks you just pulled there. But there really isn't a place in town where we can put it…"

"I KNOW!" Yunsung yelled for no reason, causing Raphael to look at him with disdain.

"Is there a car down there?" Raphael asked.

"Nope."

"Is my wife here yet?"

"Not as of yet, do you want me to cut the cable car lines?" Yunsung asked, flying the plane next to the cable car and having the propeller cut the lines, leading the cable car to fall to its death.

"I was going to say no… but whatever!" Raphael said.

"WAIT! I have an idea!"

"What is that?"

"I have the plane go up at high altitude and we let it drop and then we drop it into the lake!"

"How deep is the lake?"

"Not deep enough… I'm afraid!"

DUN! DUN-DUN!!!!! DUN… some Russian music played.

"Yes Comrade General…"

"DON'T INVADE OUR STORY 'FOR YOUR EYES ONLY'", Raphael yelled.

"I was just kidding about the not deep enough, it should sink to the bottom."

"COOL BEANS!"

"What did you say?"

"Cool beans! All the kids are saying it nowadays!"

"Um… no they aren't!"

"Yes they are, I saw it on an MTV special!"

"What MTV special?"

"I watch MTV a lot, I like being in the hip generation!"

"Hip?" Yunsung asked, questionably.

"Yeah, the cool, superfly young ones! Besides, I heard Sophitia say Cool Beans a few weeks ago!"

"She's 26, Mr. Sorel, she's part of _your _generation", Yunsung said.

"Oh, well I don't care, I have my parachute on and I'm ready to go!"

Yunsung let go of the controls and jumped out of the plane with his parachute ready and floated down to the other side of the mountain that was sadly not the hotel.

Also sadly, they were met by Ivy.

"Dear!"

Ivy slapped Raphael.

"YOU ABANDONED ME, JERK, JERK, JERK!" Ivy said, kicking him for every stressed syllable she spoke.

"Ivy please don't…"

"PLEASE DON'T? PLEASE???? YOU ARE GOING TO BEG ME TO STOP!" Ivy said. She then removed the Alraune from her coat.

"NO! NOT THE WHIP! NOT THE…"

Yunsung ran away so as not to witness the bloodbath.

On the mountain…

Link sat alone next to the hotel. No one really seemed to care that he was in the hotel too when it collapsed and that they just left him there to either rot, die or wish that he never ported to SC2. He didn't bother signaling them, as they all knew perfectly well that he was just a minor fixture in the story and is mainly used for asides, and a cheap way to end a chapter.

**_Will Ivy find out about the hotel? Will the pep rally be a success? Will Cassandra have a more major role in the next chapter? Find out soon!_**

_**A/N: Sorry about the hiatus, high school really ends up consuming your life.**_


	11. Input from the readers, please!

Hey readers!

I need opinions, high school is draining me of my creativity!

Here I have enclosed a poll for you to vote on what you'd like to see! In your reviews also tell me this, like plotlines you want to see go further.

Happy reading!


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